elämä jatkuu. tai: kai sä oot mun ainoa rakkaus


Paljon on muuttunut.
Kuin muutin vuonna 2010 Helsinkiin opiskelemaan vaihto-opiskelijana aloitin elämäni parasta, vaikuttavampaa ja tärkeämpaa aikaa. Tie sinne oli rankka - menetin ihmisiä, joita luulin olevan ystäviä, saavuin henkilökohtaiseen rajoitukseen, ja itse asiassa olin antanut kokonaan periksi. Elämäni muuttui Helsingissä - yhtäkkiä tunnuin olevani “tavallinen” ihminen, tunnuin olevani oikeassa paikassa oikeassa aikassa. Kaikki vaan sopi täydellisesti. Ensimmäisissä viikoissa oli vaikea uskoa, että olin vielä “minä”. - Yhtäkkiä kaikki oli niin hyvä, niin positiivinen - olin niin … onnellinen. Joskus oli niin vaikkea uskoa siihen, että menin istumaan Tuomiokirkossa. En ole uskonnollinen ihminen, mutta Tuomiokirkko on ainoa paikka, jossa “ymmärrän” - ymmärrän, miksi ihmiset uskovat, miksi he rukoilevat. En sano, että rukoileminen on mitä tehdän kun olen siellä, mutta 10 minuuttia riittää. 10 minuuttia, joissa keskityn siihen, mistä olen kiitollinen, mitä pelkään, mitä on juuri tässä hetkessä tärkeä. 10 minuuttia tuossa Tuomiokirkossa, ja kaikki on kunnossa. 
Kaipaan tätä lähes päivittäin - Helsinkiä, Helsingin yliopistoa, asuntoa Puistolassa, kieltä, ilmaa, jne. Ei kulu päivääkään, kun en ajattele tätä aikaa. Helsinki tulee aina jossain verran olemaan kotini. Helsinki on se paikka, missä sydämeni on. Rakastan meidän asuntoa tässä, Kölnissä. Rakastan kotikaupunkiani. Mutta sydämeni on kuitenkin Helsingissä. 
Luulin aina, että joskus lopetan opiskeluni ja muutan Suomeen. Jostain syystä tieni ei itse asiassa johtaa Suomeen enää, ei ainakaan kun katsotaan miten sujui vaihtovuoden jalkeen: Olen “vihdoinkin” luoponut Suomen kielen opiskelustani Kölnin yliopistossa. Olin aina siltä
Luopua on niin kielteinen verbi, mutta se on kuitenkin hyvä juttu. Päätös oli toki vaikkea ja se kesti enemmän kuin vuosi kunnes olin varmaa, mihin tie menee seuraavaksi.
Olin onnellinen, kuin allekirjoitin sopimuksen, mutta kotona aloitin itkeä. Tuntui siltä, että olisin luoponut kaiken, mitä oli minulle tärkeä. Siltä, että haaveeni ei voisi olla mitään kaukeampaa. Ensimmäinen viikko matkanjärjestäjän toimistossa oli kuitenkin mahtava. Joskus tuntuu vähän niin kuin Helsingissä - että nyt on kaikki kunnossa, tai ainakin nyt on parempi kuin aiemmin.
Tuntuu toki vielä oudolta, että en aktiivisesti opiskelen suomea enää (amattikoulutuksessa tietysti ei edes ole mahdollisuus tehdä niin), mutta kieli ja maa ovat kuitenkin jossain verran niin “lähellä”, että mä pärjään. Ensiksi tuntui siltä, että opiskelun luopumisen tarkoittaa samaa kun luopua unelmasta tai elämäni suunnasta. Loppujen lopuksi en edes virallisesti “opiskellut lopuun”. Mutta erityisesti Helsingissä käsitin, että suomen kielessa tulee aina olemaan juttuja, joita en koskaan ymmärä — ja hyvä niin! Ehkä minusta ei koskaan tulee ammatti-kääntäjä, ja huomasin kuinka vaikea kielen käyttäminen on tullut viimeiseksi, ehkä en koskaan ollut yhtä hyvin kuin olin halunut olla, mutta nykyään luulen, että voin kuitenkin olla ylpeä tästä, mitä oppin. - Ehkä juuri suomen kielen opiskelu näytti minulle, että joskus kiertotie johtaa maaliin.

The Occasional Silence




You can walk into a room and spot them. They seem fine when you talk to them but every now and again, across the room, you catch them looking off into the distance at an invisible point that maybe, they once reached. They laugh a little different. They hesitate a little more. Now they know what it feels like. And something about their eyes when they listen to music says


'Turn it up until my ears bleed. Let it be the last thing I hear.'
[I Wrote This For You]

Created for a place I've never known


This is home
I've got my memories always inside of me
But I can't go back, back to how it was
I believe you now - I've come too far
No I can't go back, back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it - maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery, I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide, it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home

[Switchfoot]
 

One last thing:

By the time I'm dreaming...

Christmas is getting closer every day and it's the first time in years that I totally do not feel up to it. In a way I even get this kind of cynicism I hate so much in people, like not wanting to celebrate and act like everything is fine when it isn't. I hate this, I love Christmas, just because I have a messed up mind doesn't mean I can suddenly be all Grinch on everything.
We had snow yesterday. Only yesterday, and actually it was completely disgusting, yet somehow I found it oddly soothing. I heard bad news first thing in the morning, yet somehow the snow calmed down a little bit of that storm... don't know, can't explain how. It's just that feeling of home I get from it. Snow from November until April apparently taught me a lesson - it's harder to go without than I thought.

Yesterday I went to Ikea's to buy silly stuff like pillows for my grandma and one for the owl I'm going to make for Julius' birthday. I also had to buy children's clothes-hangers - probably the "randomest" purchase ever alltogether. It was a quick trip, too. The prof ended the lecture after an hour of watching a funny documentary about the English language from the 80's. There was a lot of Old and Middle English going on there, which funnily sounds a lot more Nordic when native speakers of English pronounce it. Funnily, one of the Oxford Professors talked so much like the guy who played Vincent on Bones that I couldn't help smiling whenever he said something. He just sounds so cute. The actor, I mean. Either way, I made it to Ikea after that and then headed home, which was a bit of a journey because I re-decided on tram/bus connections for what seems like most of the time. I got home with my feet soaked, cranky and whiny - about the cold, about having to wait for the bus, about my cold feet, about the bad news, whined a little more and eventually crashed on Anne's bed until she came home. ...For more whining, but well. I deserved that.
I was even more cranky this morning because we had to get up so early to make it to the airport... which means I pretty much fled back home soon after we arrived there, said my (tearful. it's only a week, you whimp) goodbyes and a good hour later I was back in bed, more whining, and eventually fell asleep again until 12. 
I met Christi for lunch again today, and since I felt a lot better after my nap it was a lot of fun. We went to Extrablatt, haven't been there in ages. We noticed that Hesburger is going to open a restaurant here and it totally made our day even though we both said we didn't even go there anymore XD
Bakc home, I basically sat down in front of my laptop and that's pretty much what I've been doing ever since then. Don't blame me, I don't have a life -.-

Speaking of life, I did have one on the weekend.
Melanie and Judith were here and it was totally awesome to see them again. I hadn't seen Judith in a year, and the last time I've seen Melanie before Friday was in January. It was a little weird in the beginning because of the completely different setting and all the memories, but we had a wonderful time. Christmas markets were way too stuffed with people, except for the one at the chocolate museum, but what do you expect on the last weekend in Advent? - Right. We spent the greater part of Saturday out in the city, wandering from one market to the next (Neumarkt-Rheinauhalbinsel-Heumarkt-City-Neumarkt) and eventually made it back home again, only to stay up until 3 because we watched millions of videos on youtube, drank self-mixed Lonkero and were basically having the best time ever. I'm still amazed by how deeply in love the girls are with HKI, by how dead serious Judith is about studying Finnish and just by how well we get along even though we hadn't met in suech a long time. We slept in on Sunday and they both left in the afternoon, such an awesome weekend! 

Well, tomorrow I'm off to the last lecture this year. I still headed decided whether I'm leaving for home after that or if I won't simply stay until Friday. I don't feel like staying here on my own, yet on the other hand I don't feel like a train trip tomorrow after uni either. I'll just see. Actually I wanted to meet Maike on Friday, but then again a day's long... -- see, still can't get myself excited over Christmas. Maybe it's just my usual end-of-the-year depression. I can't even think about NYE without feeling weird. Hate that day. - Can't wait for Helsinki, though.

Speaking of, our reminiscences on Satuday night instantly had me dream weird stuff, btw, it's always the same - and so annoying. Whenever I think I'm done I get kicked in the arse by my mind, goddamnit. Completely unnecessary. I just hope none of this is going to make our trip weird or anything. I'm just gonna do what I feel like doing and I'm not going to worry about bygones, easy as that. (ha. ha.)

Jaahas. Guess I should just finally go to bed, have a slow morning tomorrow and then I'll see how to go on. I've been tired all the time, so I guess now's a good time to call it a day.
One last thing. This totally saved me today. Everyone should try.
I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
like a fool at the top of my lungs
sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
but it's never enough
[Jason Walker - Echo]