Created for a place I've never known

This is home

I've got my memories always inside of me
But I can't go back, back to how it was
I believe you now - I've come too far
No I can't go back, back to how it was
Created for a place I've never known

This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it - maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home

Belief over misery, I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back, back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide, it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

(Chorus)

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

(Chorus)

Now I know
Yeah, this is home

I've come too far
And I won't go back
Yeah, this is home
[Switchfoot]
 

One last thing:

By the time I'm dreaming...

Christmas is getting closer every day and it's the first time in years that I totally do not feel up to it. In a way I even get this kind of cynicism I hate so much in people, like not wanting to celebrate and act like everything is fine when it isn't. I hate this, I love Christmas, just because I have a messed up mind doesn't mean I can suddenly be all Grinch on everything.
We had snow yesterday. Only yesterday, and actually it was completely disgusting, yet somehow I found it oddly soothing. I heard bad news first thing in the morning, yet somehow the snow calmed down a little bit of that storm... don't know, can't explain how. It's just that feeling of home I get from it. Snow from November until April apparently taught me a lesson - it's harder to go without than I thought.

Yesterday I went to Ikea's to buy silly stuff like pillows for my grandma and one for the owl I'm going to make for Julius' birthday. I also had to buy children's clothes-hangers - probably the "randomest" purchase ever alltogether. It was a quick trip, too. The prof ended the lecture after an hour of watching a funny documentary about the English language from the 80's. There was a lot of Old and Middle English going on there, which funnily sounds a lot more Nordic when native speakers of English pronounce it. Funnily, one of the Oxford Professors talked so much like the guy who played Vincent on Bones that I couldn't help smiling whenever he said something. He just sounds so cute. The actor, I mean. Either way, I made it to Ikea after that and then headed home, which was a bit of a journey because I re-decided on tram/bus connections for what seems like most of the time. I got home with my feet soaked, cranky and whiny - about the cold, about having to wait for the bus, about my cold feet, about the bad news, whined a little more and eventually crashed on Anne's bed until she came home. ...For more whining, but well. I deserved that.
I was even more cranky this morning because we had to get up so early to make it to the airport... which means I pretty much fled back home soon after we arrived there, said my (tearful. it's only a week, you whimp) goodbyes and a good hour later I was back in bed, more whining, and eventually fell asleep again until 12. 

I met Christi for lunch again today, and since I felt a lot better after my nap it was a lot of fun. We went to Extrablatt, haven't been there in ages. We noticed that Hesburger is going to open a restaurant here and it totally made our day even though we both said we didn't even go there anymore XD
Bakc home, I basically sat down in front of my laptop and that's pretty much what I've been doing ever since then. Don't blame me, I don't have a life -.-

Speaking of life, I did have one on the weekend.
Melanie and Judith were here and it was totally awesome to see them again. I hadn't seen Judith in a year, and the last time I've seen Melanie before Friday was in January. It was a little weird in the beginning because of the completely different setting and all the memories, but we had a wonderful time. Christmas markets were way too stuffed with people, except for the one at the chocolate museum, but what do you expect on the last weekend in Advent? - Right. We spent the greater part of Saturday out in the city, wandering from one market to the next (Neumarkt-Rheinauhalbinsel-Heumarkt-City-Neumarkt) and eventually made it back home again, only to stay up until 3 because we watched millions of videos on youtube, drank self-mixed Lonkero and were basically having the best time ever. I'm still amazed by how deeply in love the girls are with HKI, by how dead serious Judith is about studying Finnish and just by how well we get along even though we hadn't met in suech a long time. We slept in on Sunday and they both left in the afternoon, such an awesome weekend! 

Well, tomorrow I'm off to the last lecture this year. I still headed decided whether I'm leaving for home after that or if I won't simply stay until Friday. I don't feel like staying here on my own, yet on the other hand I don't feel like a train trip tomorrow after uni either. I'll just see. Actually I wanted to meet Maike on Friday, but then again a day's long... -- see, still can't get myself excited over Christmas. Maybe it's just my usual end-of-the-year depression. I can't even think about NYE without feeling weird. Hate that day. - Can't wait for Helsinki, though.

Speaking of, our reminiscences on Satuday night instantly had me dream weird stuff, btw, it's always the same - and so annoying. Whenever I think I'm done I get kicked in the arse by my mind, goddamnit. Completely unnecessary. I just hope none of this is going to make our trip weird or anything. I'm just gonna do what I feel like doing and I'm not going to worry about bygones, easy as that. (ha. ha.)

Jaahas. Guess I should just finally go to bed, have a slow morning tomorrow and then I'll see how to go on. I've been tired all the time, so I guess now's a good time to call it a day.
One last thing. This totally saved me today. Everyone should try.

I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
like a fool at the top of my lungs
sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
but it's never enough[Jason Walker - Echo]

Tell them all what it feels like not to be with you anymore
I doubt they care.

[Mads Langer - Lovesong, no]

hekti kuin ikuisuus...

It's supposed to be winter but the weather is still stuck in fall somewhere. Most of the leaves disappeared, making the world look a little greyer, but it could as well be March, the last few weeks before it finally gets green.

I miss the snow, a wonderland of white, of glitter in the air. No, I think I know very well what I actually miss. It's getting worse every day. I thought it was bad in summer, but now it's a constant sting, like a hole in my heart, or in my soul, or both, I don't know.

"We will go down we will drown drown, deeper down
The river wild will be our last ride
We will go down we will drown drown, deeper down
The mills grind slow in a riverbed ghost town"[Nightwish: Imaginaerum - Ghost River]

I'm currently listening to Nightwish's Imaginaerum. I don't really know what to think of the record, I guess it needs to grow on me. Taikatalvi is pure magic, though. Probably because it's Finnish, I don't know, but it's so soothing, so beautiful. Ghost river, which I quoted above, has this sort of rhythm you cannot not listen to, similarly I want my tears back. Storytime is weird... I don't like the vocals, yet the melody is so catchy that it simply stays in your mind. And then there's The crow, the owl and the dove. I can't stop listening to the song, differently from how I can't stop listening to Taikatalvi. It's the melody, something so enticing about it. Well, and then Marco's and Anette's voices go so well together.
And then there's Song of Myself, a poem more than a song. It's interesting to listen to. The voice, the dialect... well and then that one line:

How can you "just be yourself" when you don`t know who you are?
Stop saying "I know how you feel"
How could anyone know how another feels?[Nightwish: Imaginaerum - Song of Myself]

Guess that's relevant, eh?

It's frustrating, to a certain extend, to know how true it is. It's another critical time... as if September and October haven't been enough. I'm supposed to see the shrink again on Wednesday. Not even going because I'll be at my parents' for sewing. Screw that. I haven't even called her yet, and I don't know how to. Well, she's the one who said I actually don't have any problem at all. Gotta love my vivid imagination. -.-°

Not much more. Got my love back, the past two weeks have been going mostly well. We've been to the Christmas market with Christiane and stuff. Lots of fun. :) We went to the one at Neumarkt last night but it was terribly crowded. I mean sure, what do you expect on a Sunday night, but still. We found this Lonkero-sign at the tinsign-stand, still stoked. I mean come on, nobody knows Lonkero here, and it was like the first sign we saw. We're gonna put it up in the kitchen some time this week. Heheh. It's like some inside joke, really xD Either way, it's gonna look great.

I keep getting these flashbacks today. Sitting in our shared flat in Puistola, watching TVD and eating those sourcream&onion crisps. Running along the cliffs on Suomenlinna. Sitting in the mids of reeds in Viikki - spending the whole day outside, returning home starved, with a slight headache from squinting in the bright sun, but unbelievably happy. Swedish lessons and lunch at Svenska högskolan. Stockholm. Tallinn. Seagulls calling. ...

How can you "just be yourself"
When you don't know who you are?
Stop saying
"I know how you feel"
- How could anyone know how another feels?

 [Nightwish: Imaginaerum - Song of Myself]