It's weird how "the blogging world" - or lets say its creators - seem to go out of their way to present both the best sides of their expiring year 2010 as well as the "greater faster farther" goals for 2011. People always seem to strive for the best - so 2010 was the best year, and now there are the best ideas for the next one. There were the best friends, best places, best songs, best news ~ and all of this is going to get even better in the next year.
Who really remembers that distant night in which the fireworks sounded the bell for a new decade, or the morning when suddenly the date had to be written '10 in the end, now that we were finally used to writing two 0 in a row? Who really pays attention to what actually happened between that 0 in the end and that promising, new 1? - To which of the promises were held, and which were broken?
Everything is always about the best. Conflicts never find a place in the discussion, never are there any failures listed, everything always makes a year "the best in a long time". The change that was promised for 2010 is long forgotten - what's important is the final result, nevermind the oaths and ideals, the "let's stay friends"s and "how much I love you"s of thenight the year changed from 09 to 10 - alas, not even enemies remain enemies: we have enough old friends to choose from.
Harsh words are buried under a veil of a surprising forgetfulness - the year is over, who cares what was said when it started? Looking back on the old one, sometimes the greatest enemies are forgotten in that last week between the years - who cares about the old, outdated hatred? Dearest friends are thrown aboard in the course of a year, and why waste the time to look back at its end and think that maybe there was something good about the friendship, instead of acting like they've been assholes all along and "actually we never really were friends". Nobody ever truly sticks to their 'old' words - opinions change with the days and the season, but why is it so hard to say: "I changed my mind because" instead of "I changed my mind."?
The year 2010 is past before it's even over: put into some archive of good and bad memories (the latter placed somewhere in the back of the head, never to be looked upon again unless we feel depressed and lonely); and as soon as people have forced themselves through all those 'oldfashioned and food-stuffed Christmas-ceremonies' (since this is what most people seem to perceive Christmas as - a bothersome, if not even sorrowful time), everything is set to one final backward glance, self-satisfied and content, as 2010 was oh-so-much of a success. And then there are the new year and the infamous resolutions. The last week of the old year running out faster and yet so much slower than any other week, facing all the expectation.
And, yes, why should we look back on the downsides of 2010? Why should we admit pain, disappointment, or the slow process of losing a friend when all the joy, surprises and swift moments of falling in love make our lives look so much more fabulous? Who really cares about the bad news of yesterday - last week, last month ... last year?
Better note all the good news, lest the friends, acquaintances, people-I-actually-don't-care-about,-but-curiosity-is-such-a-delightful-addiction think I'm a depressed neurotic emo who can do nothing but complain.
So.
Our lives have been good. Sure there've been some dark sides, but hey, the good ones win. Good trumps bad, as usual.
Let's take a moment of our precious time and think. Yes, our success is important. But is it really necessary to pride ourselves, year after year, with our personal glories? With how we succeeded, how we made more friends than others, how we finally let go of someone long-forgotten, how we finally know how to handle our lives better?
- Why do we always have to have had a better year than all the rest? Why do we have to be the ultimate top, having experienced most of the highlight-events, have to have made the best friends, have to have received the most compliments for something?
Why, when during the next 365 days there will at least be one on which we have to face the world and admit: I failed. - Failed a friend because I didn't write that message, failed my parents because I made a decision they do not approve of, failed my partner because I demanded more understanding that I can put up myself - failed myself because I loaded my back with a huge amount of expectations that I couldn't handle?
Why can we not look back in a balanced fashion and say: this and that changed - this changed to the better, but that changed to the worse? Why can we not sit down for a moment and admit, wow, actually, this one thing didn't change at all?
[...]
I'm only lonely when the music's over
I'm bored, sitting in my parents' living room after lunch and, more importantly, after visiting my lovely little boy and my grandparents ... and I decided I might take a musical backward glance to 2010. So here's a few Top 3 Lists. No real surprises, and there are definitely counting mistakes, since the "charts" are based on lastfm-scrobbles and I had to add them together on my own :D
Anyway, this is what my 2010 looked like in music:
May
Alex Band 73
MCR 64
Anberlin 63
August
Negative 241
Uniklubi 115
Herbert Grönemeyer 44
September
Uniklubi 250
Piano Tribute Players 64
The Fray 46
October
Uniklubi 392
Negative 140
Hans Zimmer 128
November
Uniklubi 125
Pink 81
Mads Langer 73
Dezember (19.12.)
Muse 232
Uniklubi 64
Mads Langer 60
Anyway, this is what my 2010 looked like in music:
Top 3 - Albums
Uniklubi - Kultakalat 788
Mika The Boy Who Knew Too Much+b-sites 684
Pink - Funhouse DVD 322
Top 3 - Songs
Within Temptation: All I need 204
Alex Band: Only One 134
Mika: Erase 120
Mika The Boy Who Knew Too Much+b-sites 684
Pink - Funhouse DVD 322
Top 3 - Songs
Within Temptation: All I need 204
Alex Band: Only One 134
Mika: Erase 120
January
Pink 116
Uniklubi 148
Howard Shore et.al. 205
February
Uniklubi 57
Apulanta 53
Negative 42
March
HIM 191
Uniklubi 85
Uniklubi 85
Negative 57
April
Uniklubi 111
HIM 79
Otto's Daughter 31
HIM 79
Otto's Daughter 31
May
Alex Band 73
MCR 64
Anberlin 63
June
The Baseballs 295
Mika 78
Within Temptation 95
Mika 78
Within Temptation 95
July
Mika 624
Roméo&Juliette Musical 121
Uniklubi 71
Roméo&Juliette Musical 121
Uniklubi 71
August
Negative 241
Uniklubi 115
Herbert Grönemeyer 44
September
Uniklubi 250
Piano Tribute Players 64
The Fray 46
October
Uniklubi 392
Negative 140
Hans Zimmer 128
November
Uniklubi 125
Pink 81
Mads Langer 73
Dezember (19.12.)
Muse 232
Uniklubi 64
Mads Langer 60
Top 10 - Artists
Uniklubi 1699
Mika 987
Mika 987
Negative 597
Howard Shore 316
Him&The Baseballs 308
Muse 268
AFI 261
Within Temptation 204
Mads Langer 195
Not much else to say but thanks to:
Mika and Uniklubi for making the year musically special
Pink for being the "bestest" and so far most underrated artist (at least in my collection)
The Baseballs for a wonderful summer
and Mr C. Mollere / The Vampire Diaries for the by far best musical input in 2010!!!
AFI 261
Within Temptation 204
Mads Langer 195
Not much else to say but thanks to:
Mika and Uniklubi for making the year musically special
Pink for being the "bestest" and so far most underrated artist (at least in my collection)
The Baseballs for a wonderful summer
and Mr C. Mollere / The Vampire Diaries for the by far best musical input in 2010!!!
actually...
I wanted to write something like thank you for being such a monumental disappointment - but then I realised I cannot even be bothered anymore. I don't really care. And I'm going to be free of that. Soon. :)
On a much lighter note, I made it to Berlin with only half an hour delay, so AirBerlin rules xD Had to wait for my bag for an hour(!!) though, because the luggage wasn't being transferred, but after an extremely crowded trip 'home', lunch, tea, calling my parents and grandparents and so on I'm happy to be back and everything's fine. I'm looking forward to the next days in this EXTREMELY huge city with waaaaaaaaaay too many people, and I'm looking forward to home - my family, my little boy, everyone :)
I never believed I'd say so but it's good to take a vacation, good to be home again. <3
Desiderata
Found this here.
DESIDERATA
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
(Max Ehrmann )
Avaan siipeni viimeiseen lentorataan
- muuttaen suuntani yön sylistä aamukasteeseen... ♥
Yesterday was somewhat perfect. I cannot even say why. Maybe it was the combination - I haven't been at Klubi since 2008 (!), then there were all those people sitting at our table, met Alisa again and got to know Laurie and Tia, the bands were really good - well, I didn't like Suicide Love Boat except for one song, but it just the sort of music I don't really enjoy (people were having loads of fun during their part, so it must have been good in a way), TAP totally surprised me (I mean seriously?), Flinch played 1986 again so they're forgiven every other miss-step and well... Oh: Heijaste! XD Another surprise. It's been fucking four years! And Hetkille
Anyway, I had so much fun with the girls, we laughed a lot - especially with Laurie after the shows and on our way through the FREEZING cold and in the bus.
Also got to speak with a Finnish German-speaking guy that studies - now shoot: - Translation in Tampere. Oh, the irony. He used to live in Germany for a while because he -shoot again- studied German Translation there. - Well!
He told me to apply for Uni Tampere as their käännöslaitos is really really good. Didn't surprise me, when I looked for information on the studies back last year I totally loved their description. But well. ... The eternal but. *sigh* I still don't want to live there. It was always Helsinki. But then I know how hard it is to get into this university... and I know that I don't want to study suomen kieli & kulttuuri, like all the foreigners here. Even though it would probably make sense. Most importantly, I know that my language-level doesn't suffice.
Well.
Something to think about during the holidays I'd say.
I've been to the city centre today, looking for what I can buy for my family. I think I made most of the decisions, so tomorrow I'll go and buy the stuff. I also did some shopping and very soon I think I will have to pack... I can't believe it's Christmas soon. I can't believe the year is over.
Anyway, I had so much fun with the girls, we laughed a lot - especially with Laurie after the shows and on our way through the FREEZING cold and in the bus.
Also got to speak with a Finnish German-speaking guy that studies - now shoot: - Translation in Tampere. Oh, the irony. He used to live in Germany for a while because he -shoot again- studied German Translation there. - Well!
He told me to apply for Uni Tampere as their käännöslaitos is really really good. Didn't surprise me, when I looked for information on the studies back last year I totally loved their description. But well. ... The eternal but. *sigh* I still don't want to live there. It was always Helsinki. But then I know how hard it is to get into this university... and I know that I don't want to study suomen kieli & kulttuuri, like all the foreigners here. Even though it would probably make sense. Most importantly, I know that my language-level doesn't suffice.
Well.
Something to think about during the holidays I'd say.
I've been to the city centre today, looking for what I can buy for my family. I think I made most of the decisions, so tomorrow I'll go and buy the stuff. I also did some shopping and very soon I think I will have to pack... I can't believe it's Christmas soon. I can't believe the year is over.
Hey stupid!
I just totally managed to get half an hour of sleep and force myself not to turn around and get another. So right now I have 7 minutes left to blog (seeing how I will then have taken an hour of a break between working on the Swedish övningsprov) and then there's some more time to be productive and to catch up with prepositions, idiot phrases like "the day before yesterday", predicative Adjectives (thank you Sweden for never having introduced a Partitive to your language!) and strong verbs. I don't like strong verbs, they seek for way too much attention. :P
I got myself robed in for the ClubAid thing - that is, I robed myself in and now I don't want to go anymore because I cannot afford to sleep all Thursday. So I might leave earlier. As in: Want to. As in: Have to. As in: Must.
My lovely girl wrote me the best txt ever a couple of hours ago, and by now I believe that two very certain Producers really desperately needed to quote Supernatural for some reason. I mean, at first the brothers go on a roadtrip in a stylish (but old) American car, the older one driving, of course... then all this talk of the Easter Bunny... and then werewolves. Well, it was hellhounds, but it's canine. Right? Right.. -Coincidential, much?
It does of course not help the fact that Lauren Cohan will be killed off TVD, but well. Maybe then I can get over her - the question is if I want to, 'cause seriously, that woman is goddamn sexy. And as we agree on that, watching the eps together will be highly amusing.
Speaking of useless casting changes - just how can you exchange Penélope Cruz and uhm nobody for Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom on PotC 4? I mean, come on. Yes, Mr Depp is probably totally cutting is and there's no need to dwell on the lovestory but hey, I loved them. It's all about the trio, isn't it? - I vote for a guest appearance. Well, two, that is.
On another note, I'm very much in love with my advent calendar and am spoiled with tea, getting beautiful postcards and everything of that sort. However I was also charged with a very interesting task to fulfill until we're back here and I have no idea how to do so. The problem is that I want to, so I might need some time for shopping. lol. I love when she chooses stuff for me to wear.
I got myself robed in for the ClubAid thing - that is, I robed myself in and now I don't want to go anymore because I cannot afford to sleep all Thursday. So I might leave earlier. As in: Want to. As in: Have to. As in: Must.
My lovely girl wrote me the best txt ever a couple of hours ago, and by now I believe that two very certain Producers really desperately needed to quote Supernatural for some reason. I mean, at first the brothers go on a roadtrip in a stylish (but old) American car, the older one driving, of course... then all this talk of the Easter Bunny... and then werewolves. Well, it was hellhounds, but it's canine. Right? Right.. -Coincidential, much?
It does of course not help the fact that Lauren Cohan will be killed off TVD, but well. Maybe then I can get over her - the question is if I want to, 'cause seriously, that woman is goddamn sexy. And as we agree on that, watching the eps together will be highly amusing.
Speaking of useless casting changes - just how can you exchange Penélope Cruz and uhm nobody for Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom on PotC 4? I mean, come on. Yes, Mr Depp is probably totally cutting is and there's no need to dwell on the lovestory but hey, I loved them. It's all about the trio, isn't it? - I vote for a guest appearance. Well, two, that is.
On another note, I'm very much in love with my advent calendar and am spoiled with tea, getting beautiful postcards and everything of that sort. However I was also charged with a very interesting task to fulfill until we're back here and I have no idea how to do so. The problem is that I want to, so I might need some time for shopping. lol. I love when she chooses stuff for me to wear.
Sucker for love
I'm officially frozen.
Today is the day that I really want to protest and move into the south. First of all, VR decided to cancel all K&I -junat this morning, sending 20mins late N-junat instead. So after having slept in but theoretically taking the train at 11:53 I was late for Swedish because the 53 train only came at 07 or something. Nice. Well, in Swedish we went through the övningsprov, which was pretty useless for me because I hadn't done it. :D Afterwards dinner with Gabriela, Anne and Melanie @ Kaivopiha and instead of studying I decided to let myself deep-freeze in the city centre. We gave up and had tea/coffee at CaféJava and then went to the Cathedral for the Lucia-thing that was supposed to start at 5 but started at 6. Let's make it short: I'm still cold. Sitting here next to the heating with my woolen pullover and the blanket. - And a headache. And I'm tired. And still not over how goddamn ...ah, well. ]:-)
The weekend ended in a hangover of some sort. Haha. Met Melanie&Judith at four something and then we took the five o'clock IC to TRE. The trip there was interesting since I spent most of it angry, on the phone and writing txts. Judith was reading for her exam (which I should have done, too), so Melanie got the whole summarised story. Ahem.
Train was late due to some obscure reasons like stopping in the most remote village I've ever seen, and it was very entertaining to listen to the guy sitting in front of us being on the phone reporting how Helsingin paskaliikenne managed to screw up like every oh-so-surprising winter. :D
Arriving in fuckingcoldTampere with a delay we found Dream Hostel and at least I was very positively surprised. Haha, it's so nicely done. We had Pizza after that and a break after that (I think) and then ended up at Dog's Home for the rest of the night. I got a drunk idiot kicked out XD When I told my girl she told me that I rocked - got to accept that. Hahah
We stayed until they closed (I guess) and then went home. The night was terrible because I didn't sleep at all. Anne got a txt from me like every hour and I completely flipped between six and seven, even deciding to sit in the common area for a while because I was so incredibly upset.
Consequently tired, and each of us too lazy to get up we stayed in bed until like 12 and then had a very slow start into the day. From Café Europa to Coffee House and then we finally made it to Pyynikki. It was a beautiful, beautiful walk and it's nice to show my new friends those "relics" of 'the old days'.
New memories... - the world is changing.
Even made it to the observation tower. Well, to, not on it, had munkit and so on and then we we slowly went to the Hostel again. It had started snowing again and it was all glittery... diamonds all over the street and the trees, and glitter in the air... it was really beautiful. Catching some sleep back at the hostel and then in the evening we went to Amadeus. Last time I went there was back in September 09 and I still felt a little traumatised, but actually we had a lot of fun. Uhm, and a lot of alcohol. Fun and weird and creepy and ridiculous and all at once. xD
I am, however, having second thoughts about some things ...maybe I was right a year ago.
And maybe I should just finally let go. Life should be about now and about the future - grateful for the past, yet not all about it. Things changed and it's time to accept them the way they are nowadays. Period.
But no more about that right now ... ... ...
Today is the day that I really want to protest and move into the south. First of all, VR decided to cancel all K&I -junat this morning, sending 20mins late N-junat instead. So after having slept in but theoretically taking the train at 11:53 I was late for Swedish because the 53 train only came at 07 or something. Nice. Well, in Swedish we went through the övningsprov, which was pretty useless for me because I hadn't done it. :D Afterwards dinner with Gabriela, Anne and Melanie @ Kaivopiha and instead of studying I decided to let myself deep-freeze in the city centre. We gave up and had tea/coffee at CaféJava and then went to the Cathedral for the Lucia-thing that was supposed to start at 5 but started at 6. Let's make it short: I'm still cold. Sitting here next to the heating with my woolen pullover and the blanket. - And a headache. And I'm tired. And still not over how goddamn ...ah, well. ]:-)
The weekend ended in a hangover of some sort. Haha. Met Melanie&Judith at four something and then we took the five o'clock IC to TRE. The trip there was interesting since I spent most of it angry, on the phone and writing txts. Judith was reading for her exam (which I should have done, too), so Melanie got the whole summarised story. Ahem.
Train was late due to some obscure reasons like stopping in the most remote village I've ever seen, and it was very entertaining to listen to the guy sitting in front of us being on the phone reporting how Helsingin paskaliikenne managed to screw up like every oh-so-surprising winter. :D
Arriving in fuckingcoldTampere with a delay we found Dream Hostel and at least I was very positively surprised. Haha, it's so nicely done. We had Pizza after that and a break after that (I think) and then ended up at Dog's Home for the rest of the night. I got a drunk idiot kicked out XD When I told my girl she told me that I rocked - got to accept that. Hahah
We stayed until they closed (I guess) and then went home. The night was terrible because I didn't sleep at all. Anne got a txt from me like every hour and I completely flipped between six and seven, even deciding to sit in the common area for a while because I was so incredibly upset.
Consequently tired, and each of us too lazy to get up we stayed in bed until like 12 and then had a very slow start into the day. From Café Europa to Coffee House and then we finally made it to Pyynikki. It was a beautiful, beautiful walk and it's nice to show my new friends those "relics" of 'the old days'.
New memories... - the world is changing.
Even made it to the observation tower. Well, to, not on it, had munkit and so on and then we we slowly went to the Hostel again. It had started snowing again and it was all glittery... diamonds all over the street and the trees, and glitter in the air... it was really beautiful. Catching some sleep back at the hostel and then in the evening we went to Amadeus. Last time I went there was back in September 09 and I still felt a little traumatised, but actually we had a lot of fun. Uhm, and a lot of alcohol. Fun and weird and creepy and ridiculous and all at once. xD
I am, however, having second thoughts about some things ...maybe I was right a year ago.
And maybe I should just finally let go. Life should be about now and about the future - grateful for the past, yet not all about it. Things changed and it's time to accept them the way they are nowadays. Period.
But no more about that right now ... ... ...
Cause it's apparent that you don't care
and it's sunk into me
because I don't care
- Now no one cares...
and it's sunk into me
because I don't care
- Now no one cares...
don't get me started.
I wondered whether I should take all of the recent depression humorously but the earlier "outage" told me that there's only going to be one new year's resulotion for 011, being: finding balance.
As in: I probably should enter the swimming hall once a week, or do sports (EW!!!) or do anything that clears my head, because my little November-detune is turning into a full-blown depression and I'm not really keen on anything like that ever again.
Which means that I have to draw a clear line between what's problematic and what is just my own, personal drama.
First of all, my own personal drama, for example, is, that my friends are, unlike me, not returning here, which means I have to start over. I'm not looking forward to it, but let's face it: from September onwards -and by September I mean first week of September -I was granted something I haven't had since school: friends.
And not just someone, but people who share my ideas about this place and everything connected to it... which is, as it happens, quite a lot.
I also got to do things I never did before. As in: accepting disgusting shots from strangers and finding out that they might look scary, but are very nice. Laku ftw. -or not. I got to travel to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, Tallinn, and finally buried each and every doubt I had about Sweden, as Stockholm is the most stylish place I've ever seen, and it was rainy! I got to see fireworks on the beach with two people I've never met before and had a hell lot of fun. I got lost in Tuusula and am still convinced that Aleksis Kivi haunts me ;), I've been to a horribly overloaded fleamarket that was hopelessly creepy, I've seen trashy bands in an even trashier club and for the first time left a concert because it sucked, I've had company in classes and hardly ever went to UniCafé alone, I had fun-stuffed nights out and weekends, spent a night in a cosy hotel just because we needed to get to that show, got to know Tampere again from the eyes of somebody who's never been there before, finally able to enjoy the place without any ghosts of the past creeping up from behind and stalking me - short: I HAD A LIFE, and it felt a lot better than any other life I've had before.
In other words, for four months I was living the Erasmus-experience without going to even so much as ONE Erasmus-party, but talking bad about "all those stupid Erasmus-kids" and having a hell lot of fun doing so.
Which means, I have at least found one, somehow two, people I know are my friends and I know I can rely on because they are not going to turn around complaining about how I see things in a wrong/extreme fashion PLUS a very good acquaintance who couldn't differ any more from me, but still has the same problems when looking at it from the right perspective.
Which is a hell lot more than I ever believed to be possible. I'm a loner, I don't make friends, and I certainly don't trust people, but I guess that this time, I was lucky.
Which means: I am heartbroken to let those girls go and the thought of next week makes me want to cry, I'm doubtful about our plans, ideas and dreams and I wished so much that I could believe that we'll make it ... but all in all, I'm incredibly THANKFUL and I want to stay in touch. I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying about having lost people just because I don't have the balls to face distance. I don't want to whine about "getting depressed when talking about the old days" any more, I just want to give it a shot. I want to call those girls my friends, and then that means that we have to use every way of communication that is. - And for the next time, this is going to be facebook.
I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because we cannot see each other everyday anymore. I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because old experience make it hard to believe that it can, in fact work. I want those people in my life, and if they can't be by meeting them, then we have to do the net-way, end of story.
All of this also means that I AM capable of meeting new people and of making friends. It means that when the semester starts, there are going to be new people and they will be as scared, as lost, as confused as we were, and they will be looking for friends just like we did. Short: I can meet other people. I can be lucky a second time, if I just give myself the chance to, and try. Meeting new people here doesn't mean I'll forget about the other ones, and NO ONE is EVER going to take away those last now almost four months.
Life is what you make it, and this is our turn.
Secondly, I need to find some balance about my insecurity issues. I cannot sit down and hate myself. I'm 23, I finally have to start to take care of myself instead of cutting down every sign of potential there could possibly be. So I'm crappy with people? Look above, I am apparently not.
My language skills aren't the way I want them to be? Well, then I either have to practise a little more (namely precisely how I started off in the first place), or I have to accept what I was told in Kouvola on the weekend, being that when learning a language, there will be one point at which one just feels stuck and nothing new comes up. But let's face it -when have I truly learned something new that helped me with my English? ~ Uuhm ... in school.
In other words, if I feel stuck on my nowadays level because I've done the courses and learned the grammar, then now it's just the best moment to work on that, let it sink in and make it better. Which is why HS.fi is now going to be my new front page.
I feel I'm not doing enough for uni? -Well, suck this. There needs to be some way, so once again, the task is to find it. After all we know that the journey is the destination.
I don't feel good about myself? - Well, then get up that goddamn 45mins earlier, take a shower (even if it's rushed), get your eyes in so you don't have to wear the hated glasses, do some make up if you feel like it, and get that goddamn dress from H&M today, a cardigan, and dress just the way you want to. If you don't feel like boring-casual, dress up, and if you do, then go there. It works when going out, right, so it should also work in the week.
Thirdly, the girlfriend matter. I am a horrible person. I'm bitchy, all it takes is 1-2-3 to send me down the deep end, I ask for a HELL lot of attention and then don't can't deal with it, and I won't even mention the rest. #1, this is long-distance, which means I have to deal with "the rest". #2 I can call myself incredibly lucky to be with somebody who accepts and loves me the way I am, so: show some respect and learn to shut the fuck up. Nevertheless, borders are borders, and those are going to be worked on, period.
and so on.
As in: I probably should enter the swimming hall once a week, or do sports (EW!!!) or do anything that clears my head, because my little November-detune is turning into a full-blown depression and I'm not really keen on anything like that ever again.
Which means that I have to draw a clear line between what's problematic and what is just my own, personal drama.
First of all, my own personal drama, for example, is, that my friends are, unlike me, not returning here, which means I have to start over. I'm not looking forward to it, but let's face it: from September onwards -and by September I mean first week of September -I was granted something I haven't had since school: friends.
And not just someone, but people who share my ideas about this place and everything connected to it... which is, as it happens, quite a lot.
I also got to do things I never did before. As in: accepting disgusting shots from strangers and finding out that they might look scary, but are very nice. Laku ftw. -or not. I got to travel to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, Tallinn, and finally buried each and every doubt I had about Sweden, as Stockholm is the most stylish place I've ever seen, and it was rainy! I got to see fireworks on the beach with two people I've never met before and had a hell lot of fun. I got lost in Tuusula and am still convinced that Aleksis Kivi haunts me ;), I've been to a horribly overloaded fleamarket that was hopelessly creepy, I've seen trashy bands in an even trashier club and for the first time left a concert because it sucked, I've had company in classes and hardly ever went to UniCafé alone, I had fun-stuffed nights out and weekends, spent a night in a cosy hotel just because we needed to get to that show, got to know Tampere again from the eyes of somebody who's never been there before, finally able to enjoy the place without any ghosts of the past creeping up from behind and stalking me - short: I HAD A LIFE, and it felt a lot better than any other life I've had before.
In other words, for four months I was living the Erasmus-experience without going to even so much as ONE Erasmus-party, but talking bad about "all those stupid Erasmus-kids" and having a hell lot of fun doing so.
Which means, I have at least found one, somehow two, people I know are my friends and I know I can rely on because they are not going to turn around complaining about how I see things in a wrong/extreme fashion PLUS a very good acquaintance who couldn't differ any more from me, but still has the same problems when looking at it from the right perspective.
Which is a hell lot more than I ever believed to be possible. I'm a loner, I don't make friends, and I certainly don't trust people, but I guess that this time, I was lucky.
Which means: I am heartbroken to let those girls go and the thought of next week makes me want to cry, I'm doubtful about our plans, ideas and dreams and I wished so much that I could believe that we'll make it ... but all in all, I'm incredibly THANKFUL and I want to stay in touch. I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying about having lost people just because I don't have the balls to face distance. I don't want to whine about "getting depressed when talking about the old days" any more, I just want to give it a shot. I want to call those girls my friends, and then that means that we have to use every way of communication that is. - And for the next time, this is going to be facebook.
I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because we cannot see each other everyday anymore. I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because old experience make it hard to believe that it can, in fact work. I want those people in my life, and if they can't be by meeting them, then we have to do the net-way, end of story.
All of this also means that I AM capable of meeting new people and of making friends. It means that when the semester starts, there are going to be new people and they will be as scared, as lost, as confused as we were, and they will be looking for friends just like we did. Short: I can meet other people. I can be lucky a second time, if I just give myself the chance to, and try. Meeting new people here doesn't mean I'll forget about the other ones, and NO ONE is EVER going to take away those last now almost four months.
Life is what you make it, and this is our turn.
Secondly, I need to find some balance about my insecurity issues. I cannot sit down and hate myself. I'm 23, I finally have to start to take care of myself instead of cutting down every sign of potential there could possibly be. So I'm crappy with people? Look above, I am apparently not.
My language skills aren't the way I want them to be? Well, then I either have to practise a little more (namely precisely how I started off in the first place), or I have to accept what I was told in Kouvola on the weekend, being that when learning a language, there will be one point at which one just feels stuck and nothing new comes up. But let's face it -when have I truly learned something new that helped me with my English? ~ Uuhm ... in school.
In other words, if I feel stuck on my nowadays level because I've done the courses and learned the grammar, then now it's just the best moment to work on that, let it sink in and make it better. Which is why HS.fi is now going to be my new front page.
I feel I'm not doing enough for uni? -Well, suck this. There needs to be some way, so once again, the task is to find it. After all we know that the journey is the destination.
I don't feel good about myself? - Well, then get up that goddamn 45mins earlier, take a shower (even if it's rushed), get your eyes in so you don't have to wear the hated glasses, do some make up if you feel like it, and get that goddamn dress from H&M today, a cardigan, and dress just the way you want to. If you don't feel like boring-casual, dress up, and if you do, then go there. It works when going out, right, so it should also work in the week.
Thirdly, the girlfriend matter. I am a horrible person. I'm bitchy, all it takes is 1-2-3 to send me down the deep end, I ask for a HELL lot of attention and then don't can't deal with it, and I won't even mention the rest. #1, this is long-distance, which means I have to deal with "the rest". #2 I can call myself incredibly lucky to be with somebody who accepts and loves me the way I am, so: show some respect and learn to shut the fuck up. Nevertheless, borders are borders, and those are going to be worked on, period.
and so on.
"whatever makes you happy"
There are so many things I could write about - old friends and new friends, love, disappointments, the constant feeling of being a complete failure even here, the weekend and the show in Kouvola, that I was praised again and still do not believe in my skills, I could write about how I still don't understand a certain person and miss them like hell [Jos sä tahdot niin nimeäsi enää toista en, mut vaikka tahdot niin, kuvaas mielestäni poista en] ... could write about feeling fooled and so incredibly left alone, about going insane with all that uni-crap, about how much I love those girls and think that it's unfair that now having had a life for the first time EVER, I get to be in the place I love more than anything, but am still alone ... about how this feels like 2006 all over again - swearing to remain friends and to go here "in two years" and this time to stay forever, knowing that we will have to say goodbye anyways, and that it's just a dream and nothing else.
I could write about my insecurity issues again, about how very much I doubt myself, doubt everything...
about how angry and disappointed I am...
about how scared I am of the upcoming weekend and the acoustic thing next Wednesday,
how I wished that I could just stop time, turn it back a little and then stop again, forever living those moments that made those last months so absolutely wonderful and every second of it worth living for...
- but what would it change? even if i wrote hundred pages about it, none if it would change anything about the recent bullshit, and why should I waste my time with whining? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of dwelling on the same bullshit, sick of people complaining about everything, of people thinking they're better just because they have a different opinion than most of the others do, of people not being able to say what they think ... of constantly having to explain, to justify, to ... ... ...
whatever.
I'm just so frustrated. ...
♥
Time and time I've thought through it all
How we loved and loved and how we fought each other
Pushing one another to be somebody else
And time and time I've wrestled my thoughts
Not certain if the end was right or wrong and whether
We still should be together or with somebody else
Our last memory she had water in her eyes
She cried "Stay with me"
asked "How can this be love if you are leaving me"
But darling love's to blame
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you
It makes me ache that we had to break
That even though I knew your heart so well
We're strangers in different places though we live a mile apart
My best friend's gone my world has been torn
We'll never share a name never be one
But I will always remember the years we spent in love
I still think of you
I pray that you are safe I'm still missing you
It has to be this way 'cause I'm not right for you
And that's why love's to blame
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't fake it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you, no I can't see you
I just can't see you right now
Maybe time will heal your heart
And maybe after time you'll understand
I said goodbye 'cause I love you
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be near you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't fake it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
And I can't see you, no I can't see you
I just can't see you right now
No I can't see you
I just can't can't see you
I just can't see you right now
And love's to blame
How we loved and loved and how we fought each other
Pushing one another to be somebody else
And time and time I've wrestled my thoughts
Not certain if the end was right or wrong and whether
We still should be together or with somebody else
Our last memory she had water in her eyes
She cried "Stay with me"
asked "How can this be love if you are leaving me"
But darling love's to blame
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you
It makes me ache that we had to break
That even though I knew your heart so well
We're strangers in different places though we live a mile apart
My best friend's gone my world has been torn
We'll never share a name never be one
But I will always remember the years we spent in love
I still think of you
I pray that you are safe I'm still missing you
It has to be this way 'cause I'm not right for you
And that's why love's to blame
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't fake it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
I can't see you, no I can't see you
I just can't see you right now
Maybe time will heal your heart
And maybe after time you'll understand
I said goodbye 'cause I love you
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't take it
Can't be near you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
And I can't see you right now
'cause my heart just can't fake it
Can't be with you right now
'cause I know you're no longer mine
And I can't see you, no I can't see you
I just can't see you right now
No I can't see you
I just can't can't see you
I just can't see you right now
And love's to blame
nicht still genug.
"Ich brauch ein Freund mit weiten Armen
ich brauch ein Freund, der kein Erbarmen kennt
der mich zu Boden ringt, ich tob' und rase
Ein Tuch mit Äter über Mund und Nase
Ich brauche tiefste schwarze Nacht
hinter meinen Liedern
Ein Gift gegen den Schmerzin meinen Gliedern
Ich brauch einen Schuss Feuer in meinem Regen
Ich brauch eine Bare, Blaulicht und Sirenen
ich brauch, ich brauch, ich brauche Licht
Bring mich nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang hier draußen
komm und trag mich, frag nicht wieder wohin
ich will nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang draußen
komm und trag mich, schlag mich nieder
ich bin nicht still genug
ich brauch einen Freund mit weiten Schwingen
der mich heil nach Hause bringen kann
durch die Dunkelheit, den Wind und den Regen
um mich dann vor meine Tür zu legen
und dort erst auf der Schwelle will ich verbluten
wenn ich still bin, soll der Regen jede Zelle fluten
ich brauch, ich brauch, ich brauche nichts
bring mich nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang hier draußen
komm und trag mich, frag nicht wieder wohin
ich will nach Hause
ich bin schon zu weit draußen
komm und trag mich, schlag mich nieder
ich bin nicht still genug"
ich brauch ein Freund, der kein Erbarmen kennt
der mich zu Boden ringt, ich tob' und rase
Ein Tuch mit Äter über Mund und Nase
Ich brauche tiefste schwarze Nacht
hinter meinen Liedern
Ein Gift gegen den Schmerzin meinen Gliedern
Ich brauch einen Schuss Feuer in meinem Regen
Ich brauch eine Bare, Blaulicht und Sirenen
ich brauch, ich brauch, ich brauche Licht
Bring mich nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang hier draußen
komm und trag mich, frag nicht wieder wohin
ich will nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang draußen
komm und trag mich, schlag mich nieder
ich bin nicht still genug
ich brauch einen Freund mit weiten Schwingen
der mich heil nach Hause bringen kann
durch die Dunkelheit, den Wind und den Regen
um mich dann vor meine Tür zu legen
und dort erst auf der Schwelle will ich verbluten
wenn ich still bin, soll der Regen jede Zelle fluten
ich brauch, ich brauch, ich brauche nichts
bring mich nach Hause
ich bin schon zu lang hier draußen
komm und trag mich, frag nicht wieder wohin
ich will nach Hause
ich bin schon zu weit draußen
komm und trag mich, schlag mich nieder
ich bin nicht still genug"
"So sind die Regeln, Paleiko."
"Das habe ich gelernt: Liebe ist ein Wort, das du nur mit blutroter Tinte schreiben solltest. Liebe treibt dich dazu, die seltsamsten Dinge zu tun. Sie lässt dich regenbogenfarbene Bonbons verteilen, sie lässt dich in roten Schuhen durch die Straßen tanzen, und sie schreckt nicht davor zurück, dich nachts mit blutenden Händen Gräber in paradisische Gärten
hacken zu lassen. Liebe schlägt dir tiefe Wunden, aber auf eine eigene Art heilt sie auch diese Narben, vorausgesetzt, du vertraust ihr und gibst ihr die Zeit dazu. Meine Narben werde ich nicht anrühren, ich werde neue Wunden davontragen, noch ehe die alten verheilt sind, und ich werde andern Menschen Wunden zufügen. Jeder von uns trägt ein Messer.
So sind die Regeln, Paleiko."
"Das habe ich nie vergessen: dass man liebt, um die Kälte zu vergessen und den Winter zu vertreiben."
"Der Neid auf die federnde Leichtigkeit, mit der Nicholas auf andere Menschen zugeht, sie um sich schart und an sich zu binden weiß, befällt mich in kürzester Zeit wie Rostfraß. Die Liebe braucht länger. Sie kommt langsam, wie eine schleichende Krankheit, und sie krallt sich um mein Herz wie der Efeu, unter dem Visible im Sommer beinahe erstickt."
"Es ist, als würde alle Farbe aus den rundum aufgehängten Bildern und Postern von den Wänden herabfließen, sich zu einem Strom vereinigen und ihm folgen. Zurück bleibt Schwarz und Weiß."
"In mein Zimmer und die schützende Höhle meines Bettes zurückgezogen, baue ich meterhohe Gedankentürme aus immer den gleichen Bausteinen, reiße sie Stück um Stück wieder ein oder sehe dabei zu, wie sie von selbst in sich zusammenstürzen."
"Wenn ich seinen Namen flüstere, spüre ich Scherben im Mund. Wenn ich sein Bild vor mich befehle, legt sich Eis auf meine Gedanken. Wenn ich mir vorstelle, ihn zu streicheln, öffnen Skalpelle mir Finger und Hände."
"Dem Lachen folgen Tränen, den Tränen folgt Ernüchterung.. Nichts scheint sich verändert zu haben, und doch ist alles anders als zuvor. Meine Knie sind weich.
Nichts ist einfach."
Andreas Steinhöfel
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