tit for tat

Another week is gone. Or when did I write last?
Either way, it's Monday again and the day was, uhm, semi-productive. I was pretty late for Uni (my bad) and then went down Aleksanterinkatu on my way home, looking through both H&M to find some inspiration for spring. I'm not completely convinced yet, though. Not by H&M. (What the hell is wrong with them!?). I did find something I might buy after having Anne's second opinion. She knows what I get to wear :D
I was home in the afternoon and after lunch and a little back and fro in/about the forum and wasting lots of time doing nothing productive at all I finally started re-reading my text for the homework, made notes and actually did put together a decent summary. One page. Not sure if that is enough according to the length of the original text, but it felt like I was paraphrasing, had I written more. Actually I guess I had a little spare motivation because of the pm Marika wrote me about my review. However I wish my teachers were of her opinion when it comes to my writing skills XD But it's always great to have her as a backup. I don't think anyone ever supported me as much as she does - not since my English teacher in school. Heh.

Well, then there was of course Melanie visiting last week. She had a hell lot of work to do, but it was nice doing something normal like meeting her at Java. - And something unnormal like the impossible roadtrip to KiGa City ... I mean: to Tampere and back. We only took the bus at six and is there any better way to spent a coach tour eating sweets and catching up about virtually e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g? - No. It was shockingly not-cold in Tampere when we arrived and then there was the snowrainbullshit that sort of ruined the impression, but well. It was exactly that snowrainbullshit that allowed us to go inside earlier and deprived us of having to pay the entrance. Heh. We met Tia again and two au pair friends of her, but conversations ran a little slow because we were all bored and tired. Perus ennen keikkaa -meininki. Jaahas.
Guys started playing at midnight and I'm mostly happy with the show, if only the setlist didn't feel like they didn't know what they were doing when putting it together. Well, every single song was incredibly great, but they didn't fit.
Nevermind, I still enjoyed the show and it was all totally worth the effort. SO happy to see them again and SO glad that it was such a nice and undisturbed evening. Felt like I needed that, even though I felt so good lately. We arrived back at kylmä&tuulinen at 6 o'clock in the morning, I took the train at .31 so that I finally collapsed into my bed at 7 straight. Yeesh. Saturday was consequently sleepy. But very relaxing. [OMG, Mads Langer's The river has run wild was just shuffled on my itunes. Gosh, I love this guy's way of making music].
Sunday was lazy again, well except for the basic cleaning and tidying up. Didnt do much for Uni though. Stupid Swedish övningsprov, I'm totally not going to rock this exam as much as the last one. xD But I don't get a grade anyways, so whatever. How did Swedish become another egolanguage when the tests have not even been elaborate?! Well. It's fun. Period.

I told Melanie about basically everything I had to say about my plans and it was a really, really good conversation, and very soothing as well. So I worried in vain. Which is good to know.
Well.
Oh yeah, last but not least, there was this other thing we talked about. Something that annoys me since ... let me think ... oh, make it years. I'm not very good at it either and there's two people I can tell without thinking whom I did this to, but:
Friendship is something that has to work both ways.
You want a message - you write one
You want to be asked how you are - you ask how your friends are
You need help - you give some
You want to meet  someone - you make the time.
- and so on.

Aah!!

Not dead :)

Aaand another week has passed. Funnily, I cannot remember a moment in which I actually felt bad or sad or regretted anything. I don't know what it is, but after January and the first weeks of February were really hard and to some extend painful and asked for a lot of decisions, I feel really really good ever since my birthday. Maybe it is because the sun has been shining for over a week now, or because every day it's getting brighter, or because the freezing air clears my head, or for some other reason, but I'm really almost back to those September-Mid-November high spirits that were broken that night in Tampere thanks to an alleged eating disorder. 

But all of this was last year and it's time to finally move on. I feel a new energy and a new determination about a lot of things, and even though it doesn't work out quite yet I feel like I'm on my way and maybe this time it's the right one. At least I'm walking into the right direction - luckily, ways can be changed. 

A week until Melanie is here and another one and a half until Maike will be here. I am literally counting the days over here, which hasn't happened for quite a while. The best: I always counted the days until I'd come here, now I have people to visit me, HA! Two exams to tackle on the way -Swedish and Phonetics - and lots and lots of fun. I've made a few plans for Maike's stay and it's going to be absolutely awesome. Today I got my birthday present from Christi which arrived a week late, but here it is now. Her idea was very cute and honestly, I hadn't really expected anything at all, but it seems like everything is settled, so I guess now I'm a little more sure of the fact that is a friendship that does work on long-distance. Good to know for the future since we don't know where we'll be swept off to ^^
Same with the girls. I don't talk to them much but in a way the connection is still there and I seriously cannot wait until we'll all be reunited. New Years 11/12 at the latest, yeesh.

I'mtotally stuck on Mika and Pink lately, their music gives me so damn much energy. I've always said Mika makes the world a better place ^_^' And Pink ... yah, any comment necessary? That Funhouse-DVD got me through the last winter already and now with the "new" songs (read: songs I didn't know before) there's even more energy&motivation to be found. Really really great. Then I rediscovered Greenday this week, haha. Back to the Roots so to say. - And all of that just because Davey Havok will lead in their musical for a couple of shows. The songs, however, are really really great and if you get Tony Vincent robed in for a musical it cannot be bad, right? - Right.
I also finally managed to continue watching Glee yesterday and I truly, truly missed it the last weeks. The show is amazing and I'm still so impressed by Kurt who certainly is one of the most inspiring fictional characters on TV I've seen for a long time - just attitude-wise. I mean, his story totally carries the whole show XD

I'm almost through with the two books I bought last week -.- Well they're short. But they still could go on for like .. forever. I love the style and I love how that "anonymus" writer develops a story we've already seen in parts. Really really well done. Can't wait until the next one comes out in May, eh. 

What else ... nothing really. Weekend will require a lot of studying. Aurelia and I cancelled our Porvoo-plans for that... well, and for the temperatures. Porvoo might be beautiful but I don't need to stay outside for hours at -20°C - not even when (at the moment) I can stand the cold a lot better than the darkness before. Not even if you can actually feel the sun by not. Not even... at all :D So Porvoo will be postponed to after the exams. As my fototrip to Vanhakaupunki, apparently. But I have all time in the world :) 

Now some reading. 

It's weekend :))

aurinko ei paista enää

I proudly pronounce this week as NOT MINE.

Seriously. I'm so over a couple of things I could easily fill pages with my ranting, but let's leave it at this. It's just endlessly frustrating to see that some things will never change and that in the end it all goes back to the same old bullshit. Actually I'm not even disappointed anymore, I'm just done. Maybe at some point, I'll simply stop caring, but I honestly don't believe I'm ever going to get there. And maybe it's for the best.

It's absolutely not comprehensible to me how all the stupid ungrateful brats out there constantly get their asses kissed by everyone who's actually a lot cleverer. And honestly, I seriously hope that, in my next life, I'm just going to be completely dumb because life apparently is a lot easier that way.

So much for that bullshit.

For some very obscure reason my phonetics-class sort of saved my mood today, at least for the time of the course. I do like the teacher and it feels like for the first time the tables have turned and I'm the one who actually understands what we're talking about, while all the other people don't. So, for once, thank you home university for the excellent education on phonetics&phonology, it finally works for me.

What was actually very amusing was the phonecall I got in the morning. Good that the woman didn't see my face, she would have instantly switched to English XD Long story short, my order has arrived and she wanted to know if she could send a delivery service today at, shoot, I don't understand finnish numbers o'clock. - Well, I was at uni all day, so she couldn't, and I didn't understand much of the number, BUT I knew that I would only be at home later than that. So the package is going to be delivered ... tomorrow. At the same time I did not understand. But it was after twelve. Actually, that limits the time-span immensely. After twelve but before seven. Lukusanat, minä rakastan teitäkin.

The grammar course afterwards was actually very funny as well because it's a class where you're allowed to make mistakes and to say "I honestly don't know". I made the whole course laugh, first and foremost the teacher, because according to my not-so-very-good grammar-instincts, dachshunds (Oo) have an undefinded amout of short legs, and the number CHANGES from dog to dog. Partitiivi, minä rakastan sinua. But it was funny. XD Especially since she'd just explained that a Partitive doesn't occur with body parts. Well how should I know that short legs count as body parts in the first place!? We agreed on a new species of dachshund that will come up in the furture. Mutantti. - Tosi kivaa. 

Speaking of.

Swedish was confusing because it's too close to German to be able to talk Finnish in between, so I had to do some four-languages-multitasking while working with Kerstin and Irene, since Irene talks to us in Finnish. Confusing. I "accidentally" met Laura at Unicafé and we ended up at Kaivopiha, where I haven't been since my last lunch with the girls. Weird. They still have the best food there.

Well well. On my way to get sick, at least I think so. Not too much of a surprise if the temperature decides to jump from -15° to -2° in a couple of hours, and then falls back again. "Slightly" shitty day, but at least Uni is fun.

The best news however is that Melanie is going to be here for her thesis at the end of February. OMG!!!! I can't WAIT! I'm really so damn happy. Now Judith, Gabriela and Anne have to come visit as well and I'm totally happy again. I'll have to kidnap Melanie to the show, of course. Not even mentioning the fact that I'm still completely pissed off about how they "just so happened" to cancel every single fucking show in pääkaupunginseutu. Asshats. I miss them. I really need something to get over my... let's put it this way: to get over myself. But Negative on Saturday and then I will have to go and see The Monday Box no matter what. I seriously need some distraction.

Then I'll meet Tiina in February and I'll get my camera and all those kinds of things. Gotta look forward to somethin', right? Right.

Speaking of, I can't wait for the new episode. AAAAHH. Really need that one as well. Gonna cry my way through it because I'm still not quite over Lauren i.e. Rose but that's what you get. I'm still convinced they couldn't risk to make the cast even sexier. :-Ϸ

Jaahas, jaahas... 

life goes on.

 

nice.

So I did most of my homework yesterday ... which leaves me with nothing to do today. Except, of course, for that wonderful text I still have to write ... *gnaah* I really don't know what to say about the question. What do I expect ... well, what do I expect? Serioously, if I had two pages of expectations concerning that university I guess I would be quite lost in the first place, because, after all, two pages of expectations might be a tiny little bit over the top, even for Finland. Frankly, I simply don't know what I expect. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to prove that I can do it and I wanted to know what it feels like to study at a good University, I wanted to do a lot of courses and find out how I manage them, I wanted to study Finnish and broaden my knowledge, I expected the lecturers to be nice and different and I was curious about how it is to study in a department that's bigger than ours and consequently better equipped etc. I wanted to find out whether I get along, whether I like the place for studying and whether it would be an option to study here for more than a full study year. I wanted to collect information about what perspectives I have and ... yah. I wanted to speak Finnish and learn Swedish and stuff like that. Of course I can come up with ideas, but how do you fill two pages with them? Well.

I realised that evenings are not particularly good for my mind. I feel good all day, I mean, really good, and positive and all those things, but all the bad thoughts come in the evening hours when the day is gone and I should rather be thinking about going to sleep instead of pondering on decisions and wondering what if... - it's annoying and it really wears me down. It keeps me from going to bed on time, even if I know that, when I wake up the next morning, I feel better. It's really really exhausting. 

I'm also very hard to be around lately, I guess, and I sort of shut down and try to figure it out all by myself. There are so many things on my mind and so much I desperately need to talk about that sometimes, however, - like last night and the night before - it leads to very intense conversations, with many tears and a lot of impatience. I'm also a bit of the angry kind and easily say things that are maybe a bit unjust. But well. Maybe it helps. - On the long run. Only that I don't know yet.

Weirdness.

Steps.

Survived the second day at uni quite well. Swedish III and fonetiikka&fonologia. I don't like to brag but my result back from the Swedish II exam totally rocks. Only two points missing from full score *strike* "Utmärkt!" it reads. I wish I could speak, though. Well, reading out loud and repeating the stuff we already now worked quite well today. I also got to talk a little Finnish, because there was this new girl in the course that our lecturer welcomed and since she was sitting behind me I just asked whether she was new in HKI as well. Turned out she was Finnish, so we switched, which worked pretty well. I also worked with the Lithuanian girl sitting next to me ... it was funny because I read her name in the attendance list and had to ask whether she was from Lithuania beause I'm still familiar with the "-kaite"-ending in Lithuanian surnames from Lineta&Gintare back in S:linna - she was totally surprised :D And then I might have lunch-company next week, together with an italian girl who was also in our last courses. Maybe I will make friends. At least lecture and lunch-companions :)
I was very surprised that that polish guy talked to me before fonetiikka&fonologia, and that I could answer spontaneously. I never really talked much to him in the last courses we had together, mainly because my polish ...acquaintance usually talked alllll the time and her Finnish was pretty intimating/made me feel bad about mine, but it worked well. So my everyday spoken Finnish is totally fine, now this Semester I get to work on my uni-Finnish. - As if D: But I can at least try.
Fonettiikka&fonologia was absolutely great. It's my favourite field in linguistics anyway, and then the lecturer was really really good, especially because she has a great view on things. First of all she told us that she's a scientist, not a language-teacher, which means that she'll pay attention to whether we understood the materia, not to whether our Finnish is perfect. The she also wanted to know our L1 and what other languages we speak, so that she can look for some comparative material- and work with the languages we know. Pretty cool. She showed us a video of a freakish Swedish doctor/speech therapist who gave an introduction to what instruments you use when examining somebody's vocal cords - and how. One goes through the nose and is TOTALLY creepy and a little gross with, imo, bad picture restults, and the other one works through the mouth and shows everything totally clearly. After overcoming the inital urge to "EWWW" I was honestly completely facinated. I always knew how it worked, I've had enough lectures where it was mentioned, but we only ever got to see sketches in schematic view, and now that guys showed a live example -i.e. himself- and actually talked and sung and stuff. Sounds creepy. Is creepy. But I thought it was very interesting.
Didnt actually understand a word of what he said, though. Spoken Swedish is absolutely impossible. :D
As in every single lesson I've had about those mechanisms, I ended up wishing I was clever enough to become a speech therapist, but maybe that's a dream I will have to dream for the rest of my life. Too bad, actually. Somehow it feels like I'd enjoy working in that department. I don't have to be a clinical doctor, but actual speech therapy? Maybe after surgery? Something tells me that I'd love to do that. It'd be working with people also. ...And children.
Maybe one day I'll read into it.


Spent most of the evening in the kitchen together with Kristina where we discussed the German university-system and the problems and downsides and so on. Again I ended up saying that every aversion I hold against Cologne is based on the uni officials only, not on the teachers- which is true. Also -especially!- in English. We really do have a lot of good people. There. But well.
Sooo... now that the second day's over I think I made a good start and I'm not as scared anymore. My teacher in kirjoituskurssi seemed very nice, too, which makes two nice Finnish lecturers, then there's of course my Swedish teacher, and I think two more people to find out about. The course tomorrow will be a little tricky because of the teacher, but after all... I liked her, and if that's what it takes, then I'm going to show her that I am not too bad in Finnish and that I can do this. Period. - Actually I think she doesn't even judge people like that, just gives the impression. I'll make it. End of story.


I don't think much else happened apart from that.
Tomorrow is my lovely little baby boy's first birthday, I'm so excited!!! - Although I'm not even here. One year! I can't imagine that it's been a YEAR. Haha. I'm so proud. Little man. ♥

Tomorrow's going to be a long day...

A Dream within a Dream

The snow and the afternoon gloom painted the world in blue when I went home from university and I still haven't got used to the fact that this place is so breathtakingly beautiful. At first it was the blue, cloudless sky and the water glistening in sunlight, then it was the colourful autumn-leaves that set all the trees aflame and didn't even give the -at times- grey sky a chance, and now, all of a sudden, it's the snow. Haha, I'm a sucker for this place. But yes, I love it.
I missed my "last" train this morning because it was so frozen that I couldn't make it to the trainsstation as fast as I had intended to. - The truth is, I missed my train because I slept in and then took way too my time with everything :P But still. Everything is frozen. I believe to feel that the cold here is different. I don't know if it's true, though. It's just that I was freezing a lot more a couple of weeks ago when we had around 5°C and rain. This morning there were, if at all -2°C and I didn't technically freeze. I wore the right clothes, and the wind hurt my face and bit at my hands (they're all dry, need to take care from now on!) but ... it was fine.
In suullinen viestintä we talked all the time. Well XD It's a conversation class so we're bound to talk, but we had a very interesting conversation about how Finns easily switch to English with foreigners but how we're in a very advantageous position. Rigina said a lot about us being open minded and educated enough to be able to  get in contact with people and to state our opinion without having to go back to English and about us being, somehow "strong" enough to insist on our right to use the Finnish language and so on. It was really very interesting.
Based on our discussion I bought that new book. The author, originally from Slovakia, wrote it in Finnish and was one of the nominees for the Finlandia Palkinto. Quite a revolution for an award you can only get (and usually can only get nominated for) when you're of finnish Nationality. It was really weird. When Rigina told us about the book it was really like "you know, this could be your future - you've all come here as foreigners, as immigrants, so in a sense you share ways with her. She had to go the same way that you're going and ended up as a nominee for Finlandia and won HS kirjallisuuspalkinto."
... well.
I bought the book to see what could be my future and I have to say that it's really good. I haven't found access to the story yet because it's actually comprised of lots of different stories

and I haven't yet found out how to put them together. BUT it's brilliant and now you can guess how I feel about the book. Maybe it would be a very interesting project to try out. ... hmm.

Well well. 
Song of the day would be this one: