Light my candles in a daze cause I've found God.
This morning I got up in time so that I could finish my homework for my writing course. A commentary on a very sarcastic article from Helsingin Sanomat last Tuesday. I knew I was going to be late, so as soon as I was done writing, I just got dressed, walked to the station. I turned on the music, just as I usually do, lately: Listening to Glee, instantly getting that happy mood, that dancing&singing along -mood, which simply makes a good start of the day. I waited for my train, secretly singing along and trying not to fidget around so much (Glee makes me wanna dance). I thought, one day I'm gonna make a fool out of myself with this music, but in a way everything looks so much better if the day starts energetically. If you want to move, get going, have fun - even if that means it's gonna look ridiculous.
When I arrived at University I printed my text and went to class. The first thing I do before taking notes in a lesson is writing down the date. I couldn't remember it at first, remembered that I would have had to hand in some paper today, had I not cancelled the course, and then I knew:
5.4.2011,
I wrote into the upper right corner, and then I took part in the lesson. Later I had lunch, went grocery shopping, went home, did the regular stuff: made my bed, put all the stuff scattered on the floor back to where it belongs, finally decided to do the laundry. I turned on my computer and went thorugh my usual dailies: facebook, the forums, LJ, v-d.net. Twitter. 10 minutes' effort.
But wait, twitter. Einslive wrote "Coffee is trending" - I take a glance at the trending topics and there it is:
RIP Kurt Cobain
True! It is the 5th of April.
A couple of weeks ago I thought about that day. How, for a couple of years, I would ostentatiously wear my Nirvana-shirt, if not that day, then at least that week. I don't know why. To pay tribute. To show that I
know, compared to so many other people, who, from my teenage point of view, had no idea about music, listening to casting show winners and whatever else played in the charts lists back then.
It's weird with those old heroes - they always stay with you even though you never spend a moment to think of them. When have I truly listened to Nirvana a lot? Back in 2003? 2002 even? - I do not even remember for sure.
But at 15, 16, the world is so much smaller, and once you have chosen your personal hero, you feel like it's always and forever going to stay that way. My calendars in these years had one page that was black. That had a cross on it. That was headed with the line:
Light my candle in a day cause I've found God.
And the dates:
* 20.02.1967 - † 05.04.1994.
It used to be so important, because someone had died that so many had thought to be a hero. A great artist. A voice of a generation. - I never even belonged to that generation. When Nirvana came out I wasn't even in school yet, and when Kurt Cobain died I had never heard as much as a single chord from them. That's what happened later. A mere coincidence. 2001 it must have been, really, 2002, when MTV was still MTV and played music, or great shows like MTV Masters. It was a coincident that the tv was on when they showed the Masters: Nirvana. When I couldn't bring myself to switch off the tv the day they showed the Unplugged show.
My sister gave me my first Nirvana CD. No, in fact, I stole it from her. It was the single, Smells like Teen Spirit. Later she gave me the Unplugged, and from that moment onwards, I was mesmerised. There was no way out. I bought one record after the other, and easily proclaimed Kurt Cobain to be my hero and put up his poster in my room. I never put up posters in my room. - But then he was a hero.
And what else could he have been if so many people in the music world claimed he was? Sure, he was a drug addict. But there's always a reason behind addiction, isn't it? Sure, he wasted his talent in so many ways... but he was a genius, wasn't he? Sure, he had killed himself leaving behind a 2 year old daughter ... but there was a story behind that, wasn't it?
There are people who lead a lifestyle you cannot agree to - or more so, you cannot, should not, as a teenager, in any way truely relate to, but still: they touch something in you. Be it just that certain rebellious part that is so angry for so many reasons and yet none at all, that little part who fights its way to the top and then wants to be lived. - Maybe that's what Nirvana meant to me: That I could be angry - angry, simply because I was a teenager, and teenagers are angry. That I could see things as negatively as I wanted to see them. Even though I didn't understand the greater parts of the lyrics they seemed to come from somebody who knows how many assholes there are in your peergroup, who's been laughed at for superficial reasons, who's felt "in the way" and out of step with the world for so many reason. But: who was allowed to speak his mind about it, because when he did so, he already was
and adult. Nobody laughed about that, nobody said, "
oh, but you're just a teenager, you're going through a tough patch right now. If you grow up you will see that none of this really matters."
- No. Back then, people listened. And so I would listen, and for a certain part, feel
understood.
In my peer group, nobody really understood. "Yah. Why would you admire some lunatic junkie who killed himself?! Like that's a goal I want to reach in life!"
- But as much as their ignorance annoyed me,
this was me. I had something for myself, and I didn't need to blend in with the crowds who thought it was
cooler to gather around the tv and watch hundreds of kids make a fool out of themselves on
Popstars, who thought it was
cooler to know all the words to
Daylight and have the right dance-moves and party-outfits, rather than to be able to sit down at home, light a couple of candles, turn of every other light and watch one of thie most touching performances
I -until today- have ever seen. Maybe, Nirvana was my share of individuality I needed so badly as a teenager. I never wanted to stick out from the masses, but I didn't want to go with the mainstream either.
I was a shy kid. Introvert. An outsider just on the way to find friends among people who had bullied me before because I had chosen the wrong friend.
Maybe Kurt Cobain was my hero because I understood him to be the same sort of outsider.
Time changes things. At the age of 15 you believe you will be a
fan until the end of your life. No other music will ever top this, you will always love this.
It
never works. Even today, I love Nirvana, love Kurt, for all those reasons I loved him back as a teenager. Because it meant something to me, and because things that really matter do not disappear from your life, no matter how much you changed, grew up, or believe to be a better person. But I do not remember the last time I listened to Nirvana. It's just not the sort of music I listen to a lot by now. It's just not what I can identify with any longer, but still. There's something in my mind that still remembers who I was years ago, and no matter how stupid and childish some things may seem like today, no matter how over-intensified this sort of "fandom" was back then ... no matter how much I've changed:
This is who I was. And there's absolutely no reason to deny that.
Whenever the question of "If you could meet somebody who's already dead who would it be?" comes up, I usually give the same answers, and I always count Kurt Cobain among the three people I would want to meet.
If I met Kurt Cobain right now, I would probably thank him. - And I would ask him what he thought of the musical world as it is today.
What would a Kurt Cobain think about Lady Gaga ... let alone Justin Bieber?
Would Kurt Cobain use twitter?
And, just in order to close the circle:
Would Kurt Cobain allow Glee to do a cover of one of his songs? ;)
Rest in peace, Kurt Cobain :)
