That's the gift and that's the trick in it.

"And that's the end and that's the start of it.

That's the whole and that's the part of it.

That's the high and that's the heart of it.

That's the long and that's the short of it.

That's the best and that's the test in it.

That's the doubt, the doubt,

The trust in it.

That's the sight and that's the sound of it.

That's the gift and that's the trick in it."

[Placebo - 20 years]

And what do we learn when the day is done?

- Things will never stay the same.

And broken once, they can never be the same again. I do believe in second chances, but no matter how hard you try, there will always be a knot in the bond. That's how it goes. That's how it's always been.

It's right to let go if it helps the pain.

It's right to let go if it gives you time and space to think. 

Some things need time. Maybe a year. Maybe two. - In this case: three.

Maybe because they say that all good things come in threes.

Maybe because the pieces fell together at the right time, into the right place.

Maybe because it simply was a coincidence.

Maybe it matters.
Maybe it doesn't really.

But today, I learned a lesson:

Things change, and Time heals. It still leaves wounds, but it heals. 

The world moves on and the grudges we hold, the disappointment we feel and the pain that haunts us grow smaller with the time.

People grow personally.

- They get over it - the pain, the hurt, the despair, the drama.

Maybe I do believe in friendship after all. - Just a little bit. For a start.

I never understood the hype.
I did understand the drama, but I soon had enough of it.

I never was a huge fan. 

Actually I was quite good in saying bad things, and I meant them.

And there I stand, in the middle of a crowd that's going COMPLETELY INSANE... -

And I'm literally screaming. Shaking. Cheering. Laughing. Almost crying at the same time. In complete shock ... and simply cannot believe what's going on.

Me. Out of all people. Not that not everyone else acted the same way. But me. Out of all people.

In my whole life that I spent going to shows...

I have never been as happy to see six people together on a stage as I was today.

If only for two minutes.

If only for a gesture.

If only.

aurinko ei paista enää

I proudly pronounce this week as NOT MINE.

Seriously. I'm so over a couple of things I could easily fill pages with my ranting, but let's leave it at this. It's just endlessly frustrating to see that some things will never change and that in the end it all goes back to the same old bullshit. Actually I'm not even disappointed anymore, I'm just done. Maybe at some point, I'll simply stop caring, but I honestly don't believe I'm ever going to get there. And maybe it's for the best.

It's absolutely not comprehensible to me how all the stupid ungrateful brats out there constantly get their asses kissed by everyone who's actually a lot cleverer. And honestly, I seriously hope that, in my next life, I'm just going to be completely dumb because life apparently is a lot easier that way.

So much for that bullshit.

For some very obscure reason my phonetics-class sort of saved my mood today, at least for the time of the course. I do like the teacher and it feels like for the first time the tables have turned and I'm the one who actually understands what we're talking about, while all the other people don't. So, for once, thank you home university for the excellent education on phonetics&phonology, it finally works for me.

What was actually very amusing was the phonecall I got in the morning. Good that the woman didn't see my face, she would have instantly switched to English XD Long story short, my order has arrived and she wanted to know if she could send a delivery service today at, shoot, I don't understand finnish numbers o'clock. - Well, I was at uni all day, so she couldn't, and I didn't understand much of the number, BUT I knew that I would only be at home later than that. So the package is going to be delivered ... tomorrow. At the same time I did not understand. But it was after twelve. Actually, that limits the time-span immensely. After twelve but before seven. Lukusanat, minä rakastan teitäkin.

The grammar course afterwards was actually very funny as well because it's a class where you're allowed to make mistakes and to say "I honestly don't know". I made the whole course laugh, first and foremost the teacher, because according to my not-so-very-good grammar-instincts, dachshunds (Oo) have an undefinded amout of short legs, and the number CHANGES from dog to dog. Partitiivi, minä rakastan sinua. But it was funny. XD Especially since she'd just explained that a Partitive doesn't occur with body parts. Well how should I know that short legs count as body parts in the first place!? We agreed on a new species of dachshund that will come up in the furture. Mutantti. - Tosi kivaa. 

Speaking of.

Swedish was confusing because it's too close to German to be able to talk Finnish in between, so I had to do some four-languages-multitasking while working with Kerstin and Irene, since Irene talks to us in Finnish. Confusing. I "accidentally" met Laura at Unicafé and we ended up at Kaivopiha, where I haven't been since my last lunch with the girls. Weird. They still have the best food there.

Well well. On my way to get sick, at least I think so. Not too much of a surprise if the temperature decides to jump from -15° to -2° in a couple of hours, and then falls back again. "Slightly" shitty day, but at least Uni is fun.

The best news however is that Melanie is going to be here for her thesis at the end of February. OMG!!!! I can't WAIT! I'm really so damn happy. Now Judith, Gabriela and Anne have to come visit as well and I'm totally happy again. I'll have to kidnap Melanie to the show, of course. Not even mentioning the fact that I'm still completely pissed off about how they "just so happened" to cancel every single fucking show in pääkaupunginseutu. Asshats. I miss them. I really need something to get over my... let's put it this way: to get over myself. But Negative on Saturday and then I will have to go and see The Monday Box no matter what. I seriously need some distraction.

Then I'll meet Tiina in February and I'll get my camera and all those kinds of things. Gotta look forward to somethin', right? Right.

Speaking of, I can't wait for the new episode. AAAAHH. Really need that one as well. Gonna cry my way through it because I'm still not quite over Lauren i.e. Rose but that's what you get. I'm still convinced they couldn't risk to make the cast even sexier. :-Ϸ

Jaahas, jaahas... 

life goes on.

 

nice.

So I did most of my homework yesterday ... which leaves me with nothing to do today. Except, of course, for that wonderful text I still have to write ... *gnaah* I really don't know what to say about the question. What do I expect ... well, what do I expect? Serioously, if I had two pages of expectations concerning that university I guess I would be quite lost in the first place, because, after all, two pages of expectations might be a tiny little bit over the top, even for Finland. Frankly, I simply don't know what I expect. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to prove that I can do it and I wanted to know what it feels like to study at a good University, I wanted to do a lot of courses and find out how I manage them, I wanted to study Finnish and broaden my knowledge, I expected the lecturers to be nice and different and I was curious about how it is to study in a department that's bigger than ours and consequently better equipped etc. I wanted to find out whether I get along, whether I like the place for studying and whether it would be an option to study here for more than a full study year. I wanted to collect information about what perspectives I have and ... yah. I wanted to speak Finnish and learn Swedish and stuff like that. Of course I can come up with ideas, but how do you fill two pages with them? Well.

I realised that evenings are not particularly good for my mind. I feel good all day, I mean, really good, and positive and all those things, but all the bad thoughts come in the evening hours when the day is gone and I should rather be thinking about going to sleep instead of pondering on decisions and wondering what if... - it's annoying and it really wears me down. It keeps me from going to bed on time, even if I know that, when I wake up the next morning, I feel better. It's really really exhausting. 

I'm also very hard to be around lately, I guess, and I sort of shut down and try to figure it out all by myself. There are so many things on my mind and so much I desperately need to talk about that sometimes, however, - like last night and the night before - it leads to very intense conversations, with many tears and a lot of impatience. I'm also a bit of the angry kind and easily say things that are maybe a bit unjust. But well. Maybe it helps. - On the long run. Only that I don't know yet.

Weirdness.

Famous last words. (repost)

"After all that we've been through 

there's a life after you,

and I hope you'll be alright 

- I'm moving on. 

I walk and walk to the border line 

and the further I go I know 

I was right to let go."

(Negative - Days I'm living for)

One of the best songs in contemporary music history.

Life is bigger,

it´s bigger than you and you are not me.

The lengths that I will go to,

the distance in your eyes.

Oh no, I´ve said too much, I said it all

That´s me in the corner,

that´s me in the spot-light,

losing my religion.

Trying to keep up with you

and I don´t know if I can do it.

Oh no, I´ve said too much,

I haven´t said enough.

I thought that I heard you laughing,

I thought that I heard you sing,

I think I thought I saw you try.

Every whisper of every waking hour.

I´m choosing my confessions,

trying to keep eye on you.

like a hurt lost and blinded fool - fool.

Oh no, I´ve said too much,

I said it all

Consider this,

consider this the hint of the century.

Consider this,

the slip that brought me to my knees - failed

What if all these fantasies come flailing around.

Now I´ve said too much

I thought that I heard you laughing,

I thought that I heard you sing,

I think I thought I saw you try.

But that was just a dream,

that was just a dream!

That´s me in the corner,

that´s me in the spot-light,

losing my religion.

Trying to keep up with you

and I don´t know if I can do it.

Oh no, I´ve said too much,

I haven´t said enough.

I thought that I heard you laughing,

I thought that I heard you sing,

I think I thought I saw you try.

But that was just a dream, - try, cry, why, try,

that was just a dream, - just a dream, just a dream, dream...

Steps.

Survived the second day at uni quite well. Swedish III and fonetiikka&fonologia. I don't like to brag but my result back from the Swedish II exam totally rocks. Only two points missing from full score *strike* "Utmärkt!" it reads. I wish I could speak, though. Well, reading out loud and repeating the stuff we already now worked quite well today. I also got to talk a little Finnish, because there was this new girl in the course that our lecturer welcomed and since she was sitting behind me I just asked whether she was new in HKI as well. Turned out she was Finnish, so we switched, which worked pretty well. I also worked with the Lithuanian girl sitting next to me ... it was funny because I read her name in the attendance list and had to ask whether she was from Lithuania beause I'm still familiar with the "-kaite"-ending in Lithuanian surnames from Lineta&Gintare back in S:linna - she was totally surprised :D And then I might have lunch-company next week, together with an italian girl who was also in our last courses. Maybe I will make friends. At least lecture and lunch-companions :)
I was very surprised that that polish guy talked to me before fonetiikka&fonologia, and that I could answer spontaneously. I never really talked much to him in the last courses we had together, mainly because my polish ...acquaintance usually talked alllll the time and her Finnish was pretty intimating/made me feel bad about mine, but it worked well. So my everyday spoken Finnish is totally fine, now this Semester I get to work on my uni-Finnish. - As if D: But I can at least try.
Fonettiikka&fonologia was absolutely great. It's my favourite field in linguistics anyway, and then the lecturer was really really good, especially because she has a great view on things. First of all she told us that she's a scientist, not a language-teacher, which means that she'll pay attention to whether we understood the materia, not to whether our Finnish is perfect. The she also wanted to know our L1 and what other languages we speak, so that she can look for some comparative material- and work with the languages we know. Pretty cool. She showed us a video of a freakish Swedish doctor/speech therapist who gave an introduction to what instruments you use when examining somebody's vocal cords - and how. One goes through the nose and is TOTALLY creepy and a little gross with, imo, bad picture restults, and the other one works through the mouth and shows everything totally clearly. After overcoming the inital urge to "EWWW" I was honestly completely facinated. I always knew how it worked, I've had enough lectures where it was mentioned, but we only ever got to see sketches in schematic view, and now that guys showed a live example -i.e. himself- and actually talked and sung and stuff. Sounds creepy. Is creepy. But I thought it was very interesting.
Didnt actually understand a word of what he said, though. Spoken Swedish is absolutely impossible. :D
As in every single lesson I've had about those mechanisms, I ended up wishing I was clever enough to become a speech therapist, but maybe that's a dream I will have to dream for the rest of my life. Too bad, actually. Somehow it feels like I'd enjoy working in that department. I don't have to be a clinical doctor, but actual speech therapy? Maybe after surgery? Something tells me that I'd love to do that. It'd be working with people also. ...And children.
Maybe one day I'll read into it.


Spent most of the evening in the kitchen together with Kristina where we discussed the German university-system and the problems and downsides and so on. Again I ended up saying that every aversion I hold against Cologne is based on the uni officials only, not on the teachers- which is true. Also -especially!- in English. We really do have a lot of good people. There. But well.
Sooo... now that the second day's over I think I made a good start and I'm not as scared anymore. My teacher in kirjoituskurssi seemed very nice, too, which makes two nice Finnish lecturers, then there's of course my Swedish teacher, and I think two more people to find out about. The course tomorrow will be a little tricky because of the teacher, but after all... I liked her, and if that's what it takes, then I'm going to show her that I am not too bad in Finnish and that I can do this. Period. - Actually I think she doesn't even judge people like that, just gives the impression. I'll make it. End of story.


I don't think much else happened apart from that.
Tomorrow is my lovely little baby boy's first birthday, I'm so excited!!! - Although I'm not even here. One year! I can't imagine that it's been a YEAR. Haha. I'm so proud. Little man. ♥

Tomorrow's going to be a long day...

no song unsung, no wine untasted...

Finished watching Glee season 1 today. Very appropriate seeing how they won Golden Globes. Yay. Chris Colfer is my hero of the day just because... he is. Period. 

No more comment. I certainly won't mention that the cast crying makes me cry. Or that he's so geniunely shocked. Haha. Wonderful :)
Uuhm yah. So Glee. Loved the first season. No wait, actually I didn't ... I loved, say, most of the first season except for the first say 10 episodes because most of it is hopelessly overdone, I don't like the songs, I don't like most of the characters etcetc BUT then it all turns really cool and I really really enjoyed watching all of the rest. Good to know season 2 is airing. And available. ;) 
I also finally managed to see that episode of Supernatural I looked for so desperately yesterday. It's good. Even though my reasons to watch it are somewhat concerning. Heh. 


Only reason I'm writing this is that I wanted to share the song... I dreamed a dream. Because it's beautiful. And because I cried waterfalls yesterday and am not feeling all too well when I'm honest to myself. And the song sort of wraps it up nicely. 

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high and life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night

(But the tigers come at night)

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

(As they tear your hope apart)

And they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"

[Les Misérables, Claude-Michel Schönberg/Alain Bublil]

"And so it is...

Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time.
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies"

[Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter]

 
Spent the day between tears and laughter. Literally. No, actually (and honestly), I spent the afternoon watching Glee and flaring up with every second song. Seriously.
This came about because I didn't find an episode of Supernatural I wanted to watch.
THIS now came about because I made the mistake of looking for interviews last night. SO my immense crush finally got the best of me. Of course youtube isn't a cure, but it can be very entertaining. And stuff. 

Well. Two videos, because they woke me up from my interim depression.

... youtube won't let me embedd them. well screw this.

Anyway, the best line in the history of tv-series ever written

and The Eye of the Tiger and how Jensen does it.

Thank you Supernatural for making me laugh today. :)

"I will if you will"

I absolutely adore this song.

What started as a whisper,

Slowly turned in to a scream.

Searching for an answer

Where the question is unseen.

I don't know where you came from

And I dont know where you've gone.

Old friends become old strangers

Between the darkness and the dawn

Amen omen, will I see your face again?

Amen omen, can I find the place within

To live my life without you?

I still hear you saying

"All of life is chance,

and is sweetest, is sweetest when at a glance"

But I live,

I live a hundred lifetimes in a day.

But I die a little

In every breath that I take.

Amen omen, will I see your face again?

Amen omen, can I find the place within

To live my life without you?

I listen to a whisper

Slowly drift away.

Silence is a loudest,

Parting word you never say.

I put your world

Into my veins

Now a voiceless sympathy

Is all that remains.

Amen omen, will I see your face again?

Amen omen, can I find the place within

To live my life without you?

Amen omen, can I find the strength within? 

[Ben Harper]

"Nur ein Wimpernschlag des Universums..."

 Erasiel

(Botschaft vom 20.4.2006)

Seit Unendlichkeiten haben wir auf diese Zeit gewartet,

so würdet Ihr wohl sagen.

Für uns war es nur ein Wimpernschlag des Universums.

Wir leben in der Ewigen Gegenwart, die kein

 Gestern und Morgen kennt.

Wir sind im Hier und Jetzt allgegenwärtig.

Zeit ist Eure Dimension des Verstehens.

Wir haben gelernt dies zu akzeptieren und zu berücksichtigen.

Indem Ihr Eure Erfahrungen mit uns teilt, erkennen wir

welche Bedeutung diese Dimension in Eurem Sein hat.

Wir möchten Euch aber immer wieder erinnern,

an den Raum, der jenseits Eurer Zeit das Sein bestimmt.

Hier ist nichts unmöglich, alles ist Hier und Jetzt.

Um das zu verstehen, müßt Ihr in die Dimension

jenseits der Zeit, des Verstandes treten, dorthin,

wo Ihr Intuition, Vision, zur Realität gewordene Träume erlebt.

Weil Euer Geist zu klein ist, um zu erfassen welche Möglichkeiten

Ihr habt, habt Ihr die Zeit ersonnen,

konntet so Dinge  in eine Abfolge bringen.

Nun seid Ihr bereit darüber hinaus zu gehen

 und Wunder zu empfangen.

Seid mutig und verlasst die Räume der Kontrolle

und übergebt Euch dem Strom des Lebens,

der Euch in das Meer der Unendlichkeit trägt.
(gefunden hier, via google)

Just because we're friends on facebook ...

I just read a blog I shouldn't be reading but then again, what the hell, this is the internet. Actually I'm reading a lot of blogs I shouldn't be reading - out of which I still miss one dearly. I used to enjoy reading it because it would be very entertaining and the author wrote things about people that I often agreed with, but would have never dared to write online. The blog was closed because of some dispute friends had with the author and their friends, and by now I've forgotten the link. Nevermind.

When, a couple of days ago, I mentioned "somebody in my friendslist" and got a reply, I knew there was going to be a reaction of some kind. Of course, quite the traitors we are, spending the last three years badmouthing each other, fighting online, triggering reactions and using shows to be fed with new stuff to talk about ... just in order to incidentally meet once, have a couple of half-drunk (i was. 3/4-drunk, tbh) chats between restroom and table and then add each other on facebook. Re-add, I might note - been there, done that.
Big deal - friends on facebook. Maybe it's a modern act of being able to communicate, of being able to say hello to each other, of being able to forget old grudges. I mean seriously, all of this was some three years ago and we're all twenty-something, not in Kindergarten. Nobody is replacing anyone and nobody is acting on revenge. It's not making everything unsaid and undone, it's not about ignoring what's happened in the past, it's just putting a freaking end to a story that's been useless to carry on pretty much from the beginning.
Besides, adding someone on facebook is not declaring them as the next best friend or anything close to it. - Actually I don't even think it's an act of making friends at all. It's more like acknowledging to know somebody. Add them to a list of people you know and talk to.

What I don't understand  - have never, in all those years, understood - is why there is an unwritten law that tells friends to hate everyone their friends hate.
This is how things go: 
You have a huge fight with somebody and a while later you get to know someone else, and still being in the middle of things (in both thoughts and actions) you tell your own story and in it, you include all your anger and hatred and bad words about that third person. So your new friend thinks, whoa, what a fucking asshole, and without ever having talked to that third person before, decides that they suck and SO EASILY joins in the hating and badmouthing, eagerly making oneself the number one ally - and eventually the new number one "enemy" of the third person. 
We've all done it. Do it, probably, every time we meet someone new that's worth the effort. And also do it both ways - the joint hating and the talking. It's a subconscious thing to do: People talk about people, and people make up their minds about others. Being friends with somebody usually includes having a similar opinion on things - and if they fought with somebody, why should that person be of any interest?
Probably it's also an act of self-preservation - liking that third person could look like some sort of betrayal, could put you in a different light, could make you a possible traitor. I understand. I DO understand (even thought I wrote the opposite above), but what I don't understand is why it is necessary to make it such a big thing.


'Cause... let's face it - we NEVER met. 
We never talked to each other. 
We never knew who the other is.
Now tell me how can anyone judge this facebook-nonsense when they've never even met me? Even more so, why give it second thoughts when one doesn't even know the whole story, not to speak of having heard any of it from both sides? 
But just on a short note:
It's not about friendship. I don't even know if you can be friends with somebody you used to fight with for years.
But it's about growing up and being able to talk about what happened. 

Things change. The world has moved on.

don't rain on my parade.

First of all this:

I can see

When you stay low nothing happens

Does it feel right?

Late at night

Things I thought I put behind me

Haunt my mind

I just know there's no escape

Now once it sets its eyes on you

But I won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in

No more denying, I got to face it

Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

It's all around

Getting stronger, coming closer

Into my world

I can feel

That it's time for me to face it

Can I take it

Though this might just be the ending

Of the life I held so dear

But I won't run, there's no turning back from here

Stand my ground, I won't give in

No more denying, I got to face it

Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

All I know for sure is I'm trying

I will always stand my ground

Stand my ground, I won't give in, I won't give up

No more denying, I got to face it

Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If I don't make it, someone else will

Stand my ground, I won't give in

No more denying, I got to face it

Won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside

If I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

(Within Temptation)