we are shining and we'll never be afraid again...

Well. I tried to blog like a million times these past two weeks but somehow I was too caught up.
First of all, Mads Langer's concert was breathtakingly beautiful. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the acoustics where spellbinding. His whole performance was. Ever since that Sunday, I actually want to go to Denmark and see one of his shows there. Especially since I saw the pic from his concert at Koncerthuset in København... wow.

Secondly, I'm still completely hoocked on Florence+the Machine. I got pretty much stuck with the favourites that already showed up after the first few times. I never really listen to Seven Devils and Spectrum... there's something about the songs I don't get. Never let me go however is probably my most frequently played song by now. It's so absolutely flawless...

Quite a lot of stuff going on lately, last Tuesday I got to see my lovely boy again and then I went sewing last Wednesday. Mum&dad came here on Saturday and we took a walk to the pond and through the developing area and they actually love the surroundings. I had to take the stairs 3 times that day because or elevator was broken. 3 times. that's 160 steps each single time, right? The best thing about that? - No sore muscles afterwards! Ha! Actually my brother and sis-in-law wanted to come here, too, with the little man, but we postponed the meeting because we didn't really want them to come up all those stairs with him. I mean I'm sure he would have loved it, but if he takes the steps himself it's going to take an hour until he's here and he's obviously to heavy to carry all the way :D

Maike visited me on Monday and we checked out the Christmas markets, which was fun because the weather was so beautiful and we could spent the entire day outside and had plenty of chance to talk. I love this, really, we're seeing each other so much lately and it's really important to me to have this bond. It's amazing! :)

Yesterday I was at my parents' again, for sewing today. I'm almost finished with 3 Christmas presents, now I still have to do Maike's and the one for my love. I found a pattern today which is pretty awesome, so I guess I can get that done before Christmas, too. Yay me.
Similarly important, I "celebrated" my website's two year anniversary yesterday and got such a huge amount of love and appreciation that I got a little fuzzier every time I logged in to facebook. I can't even express how important this is to me. Sure, it's aiming for gold stars, but I need them so desperately after this summer&autumn and it's simply amazing to finally see that people appreciate what I'm doing.
It makes me sad, too, because it's the most important thing I have going on hobby-wise, and yet it won't get me anywhere professionally. Sigh. But no thoughts about this right now. 

My love is going to be back on Sunday and I can't WAIT. She's been complaining about her friend a lot and that's totally justified, but I'm just not going to say anything about that because I don't understand her (the friend) anyways. Doesn't matter now, what counts is that I'll get my girl back and that we have the whole advent-time together and then I'm gonna drag her straight back to Finland after Christmas, as if she hadn't been there all month xD I can't wait to have some time together again, even though it's going to be stressful as hell for he because of the BA, but I'll try to shut the hell up and be there. I can't wait to watch shows together again, or just fall asleep next to her, or be able to cuddle and kiss and hold hands as much as I want ♥ Jee. ♥

Well well. Endless day tomorrow, guess I should go to bed. I might be meeting Christiane for Christmas markets, but I still have to go to 2x90mins of lectures, blah. Gotta get up in time tomorrow lest I'm late again.
Still counting the days till Sunday... :)

Hey stupid!

I just totally managed to get half an hour of sleep and force myself not to turn around and get another. So right now I have 7 minutes left to blog (seeing how I will then have taken an hour of a break between working on the Swedish övningsprov) and then there's some more time to be productive and to catch up with prepositions, idiot phrases like "the day before yesterday", predicative Adjectives (thank you Sweden for never having introduced a Partitive to your language!) and strong verbs. I don't like strong verbs, they seek for way too much attention. :P

I got myself robed in for the ClubAid thing - that is, I robed myself in and now I don't want to go anymore because I cannot afford to sleep all Thursday. So I might leave earlier. As in: Want to. As in: Have to. As in: Must.

My lovely girl wrote me the best txt ever a couple of hours ago, and by now I believe that two very certain Producers really desperately needed to quote Supernatural for some reason. I mean, at first the brothers go on a roadtrip in a stylish (but old) American car, the older one driving, of course... then all this talk of the Easter Bunny... and then werewolves. Well, it was hellhounds, but it's canine. Right? Right.. -Coincidential, much?
It does of course not help the fact that Lauren Cohan will be killed off TVD, but well. Maybe then I can get over her - the question is if I want to, 'cause seriously, that woman is goddamn sexy. And as we agree on that, watching the eps together will be highly amusing.

Speaking of useless casting changes - just how can you exchange Penélope Cruz and uhm nobody for Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom on PotC 4? I mean, come on. Yes, Mr Depp is probably totally cutting is and there's no need to dwell on the lovestory but hey, I loved them. It's all about the trio, isn't it?  - I vote for a guest appearance. Well, two, that is. 


On another note, I'm very much in love with my advent calendar and am spoiled with tea,  getting beautiful postcards and everything of that sort. However I was also charged with a very interesting task to fulfill until we're back here and I have no idea how to do so. The problem is that I want to, so I might need some time for shopping. lol. I love when she chooses stuff for me to wear. ♥

Last but not least, it's less than a week until I'm leaving for Berlin to visit my sister and then it's Christmas already. Can't believe it. My lovely little boy back at home has turned to singing karaoke without even being able to speak and I wish the video would work for me, it's the most adorable thing I've seen in my life. Well ... pretty much everything he does is adorable, but it's truly wonderful. ♥ 

Ah. I just remembered the heading. I'm badly injured ever since yesterday where some suicidal part of my hand decided to brush my thumb's joint against the shaver and now I have to neatly parallel cuts. Bled like hell and I fell instantly dizzy - dizzy enough at least to lie down on the floor with my legs on the beg. How I love fainting spells.
Not. But I like playing the dying swan, of course. 


Swedish now.
 

you give me heart to carry on

Even though I did manage to overcome my earlier depression cause by some sort of "major, epic, monumental" feeling of nostalgia there's an entry from my 'normal' blog that I made exactly a year ago while going through (yet another) rough patch. Back then I didn't believe that I would be here right now, but I am, so ... I don't know. I need to revive that thought because it really kept me alive that winter.   

"...ja kenenkään ei tarvitse ymmärtää mitä kaikki sitä merkitse,

kenenkään ei tarvitse ymmärtää, miksi on niin tärkeää, niin välttämättöntä mennä takaisin.

Kenenkään ei tarvitse ymmärtää, miten yhtäkkiä itkettän kun mietän sitä kuka vei minut tänne, kenestä olen oikeasti oppinut, mitä ja kuka on yksin ja ainut syy minulle että nousen sängystä ylös joka päivä uskoen siihen että ehkä vois olla vielä joku mahdollisuus minulle, kun on jaksannut jo niin paljon, kun olen tullut jo niin kaukan. Ei kenellekään tarvitse olla järkevä kuinka paljon oon velkaa; että joku pelasti elämäni vaikken olisi joutunut kuolemaan - pelasti elämäni vain sen takia että näytti minulle oikein tien, antoi minulle uskoa ja antoi minulle varmuus että kyllä on olemassa tie, jos on tahtoa, vaikkei olisi mitään plan b:tä..."

 Rivi, joka pysytti minut hengissä, joka jonkin verran itketti minua aina kun olen kuullut sen oli "harhaan jalkani astuu mutta jää kantaa. - Kuka minut maalin kantaa... - kantaa?"
- Viime talvella olin sokeana pimeydessä mutta tarttui kiinni erään, pieneen valonsäteen joka oikeasti enemmin meni pois, eikä tuli lähemmäs. Ei siellä ollut mitään plan b:tä - vain lohduton toive, mahdoton haave, ja syvä toivomus. Ja juuri se, juuri se synkyys ja pelko ja jollain lailla mielensairaus, jos puhutaan "oikeasta massenusta", josta kukaan ei koskaan teki diagnoosia, yhdessä tän toiveen ja unelman kanssa oli loppuun lopussa se, mitä pysytti mut hengissä - "sen" takia, vai "teidän" vai edes "heidän" takia, vain minkätähden vaan - minä en tiedä. Se oli mitään muuta kuin onni, mitään kun onnellinen sattuma, että olen jo nuorena, teininä oppinnut antaa musiikille mahdollisuus kantaa minut pois "pahasta". Olen aina ollut sellaisena: olen aina rakastanut siihen ja ihastunut siihen ja tuntenut sitä, mitä kuunnelin - ja juuri sen takia oli viime talvena niin tärkeä, että olin tiennyt että "tämä on se yksi pysyvä asia, joka ei koska pettää mut" - kun niin moni olivat pettäneet minut, kun olin itse pettänyt niin moneet.
Se kuitenkin onnistui vietämään minulle tänne, ja vaikka kielitaitotesti meni pieleen, vaikka koko se vuoden 2009 kesä, syksy ja talvi oli niin masentunut - minä istun nyt Puistolassa sängyssä ja kirjoittelen tummasta menneisyydestä. Ei plan b:tä vieläkään löydetty, mutta olen kuitenkin jonkin verran maalissa - ja kyllä astuin harhaankin aika paljon, mutta jää kuitenkin kantoi jostainkin syystä. Kuka minut maalin kantoi? - Niitä on pari. Siskoni kantoi, rakkaani kantoi, musiikki kantoi, opettaja kantoi --- itse kannoin.
Minä en tiedä, mitä tapahtui, mitä on tänään erilaista viime vuotta verratuna. En tiedä, muutuinko itse vai muutuiko näkökulma elämään kohta, vai edes näkökulma Suomeen kohta (vaikka totta toi todellakaan muutui) - mutta muutuihan ainakin jotakin. Ei elämä ole parempi Suomessa. Itse asiassa se on joskus hieman vaikeampi. 
Ei ongelmiani "maagisesti" ratkaistui 
- mutta kuitenkin kaikki on jollain lailla erilaista.
Tänään minä voin sanoa että elämä on kyllä vitun narttu, mutta on sehan kuitenkin kaunis! Ei elämästä koskaan tule paras ystaväni, mutta kyllä mä nautin tästä, ja aion elää joku hetki täysillä. Tiedän, että haaveista ei saa rahat, ja että tilanne ei koskaan parenee. Tiedän että minulla en ole mitään suurta mahdollisuutta - ei tässä, ei Kölnissäkään - mutta kuitenkin aion yritä, ja pyrkiä onnistumaan, koska vailla toivoa ja vailla ainakin piennempää kipinää hulluutta kukaan ei tässä elämässä selviä.
Minä löydän tieni. En tiedä milloin vai mistä vai mihin suuntaan ... mutta kyllä mä joudun löytämään tieni. - vaikka silloin, jos en itse usko siihen. ...