There are so many things I could write about - old friends and new friends, love, disappointments, the constant feeling of being a complete failure even here, the weekend and the show in Kouvola, that I was praised again and still do not believe in my skills, I could write about how I still don't understand a certain person and miss them like hell [Jos sä tahdot niin nimeäsi enää toista en, mut vaikka tahdot niin, kuvaas mielestäni poista en] ... could write about feeling fooled and so incredibly left alone, about going insane with all that uni-crap, about how much I love those girls and think that it's unfair that now having had a life for the first time EVER, I get to be in the place I love more than anything, but am still alone ... about how this feels like 2006 all over again - swearing to remain friends and to go here "in two years" and this time to stay forever, knowing that we will have to say goodbye anyways, and that it's just a dream and nothing else.
I could write about my insecurity issues again, about how very much I doubt myself, doubt everything...
about how angry and disappointed I am...
about how scared I am of the upcoming weekend and the acoustic thing next Wednesday,
how I wished that I could just stop time, turn it back a little and then stop again, forever living those moments that made those last months so absolutely wonderful and every second of it worth living for...
- but what would it change? even if i wrote hundred pages about it, none if it would change anything about the recent bullshit, and why should I waste my time with whining? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of dwelling on the same bullshit, sick of people complaining about everything, of people thinking they're better just because they have a different opinion than most of the others do, of people not being able to say what they think ... of constantly having to explain, to justify, to ... ... ...
whatever.
I'm just so frustrated. ...
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