I wondered whether I should take all of the recent depression humorously but the earlier "outage" told me that there's only going to be one new year's resulotion for 011, being: finding balance.
As in: I probably should enter the swimming hall once a week, or do sports (EW!!!) or do anything that clears my head, because my little November-detune is turning into a full-blown depression and I'm not really keen on anything like that ever again.
Which means that I have to draw a clear line between what's problematic and what is just my own, personal drama.
First of all, my own personal drama, for example, is, that my friends are, unlike me, not returning here, which means I have to start over. I'm not looking forward to it, but let's face it: from September onwards -and by September I mean first week of September -I was granted something I haven't had since school: friends.
And not just someone, but people who share my ideas about this place and everything connected to it... which is, as it happens, quite a lot.
I also got to do things I never did before. As in: accepting disgusting shots from strangers and finding out that they might look scary, but are very nice. Laku ftw. -or not. I got to travel to one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, Tallinn, and finally buried each and every doubt I had about Sweden, as Stockholm is the most stylish place I've ever seen, and it was rainy! I got to see fireworks on the beach with two people I've never met before and had a hell lot of fun. I got lost in Tuusula and am still convinced that Aleksis Kivi haunts me ;), I've been to a horribly overloaded fleamarket that was hopelessly creepy, I've seen trashy bands in an even trashier club and for the first time left a concert because it sucked, I've had company in classes and hardly ever went to UniCafé alone, I had fun-stuffed nights out and weekends, spent a night in a cosy hotel just because we needed to get to that show, got to know Tampere again from the eyes of somebody who's never been there before, finally able to enjoy the place without any ghosts of the past creeping up from behind and stalking me - short: I HAD A LIFE, and it felt a lot better than any other life I've had before.
In other words, for four months I was living the Erasmus-experience without going to even so much as ONE Erasmus-party, but talking bad about "all those stupid Erasmus-kids" and having a hell lot of fun doing so.
Which means, I have at least found one, somehow two, people I know are my friends and I know I can rely on because they are not going to turn around complaining about how I see things in a wrong/extreme fashion PLUS a very good acquaintance who couldn't differ any more from me, but still has the same problems when looking at it from the right perspective.
Which is a hell lot more than I ever believed to be possible. I'm a loner, I don't make friends, and I certainly don't trust people, but I guess that this time, I was lucky.
Which means: I am heartbroken to let those girls go and the thought of next week makes me want to cry, I'm doubtful about our plans, ideas and dreams and I wished so much that I could believe that we'll make it ... but all in all, I'm incredibly THANKFUL and I want to stay in touch. I don't want to spend the rest of my life crying about having lost people just because I don't have the balls to face distance. I don't want to whine about "getting depressed when talking about the old days" any more, I just want to give it a shot. I want to call those girls my friends, and then that means that we have to use every way of communication that is. - And for the next time, this is going to be facebook.
I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because we cannot see each other everyday anymore. I'm not going to throw away something that has so much potential to become a real friendship just because old experience make it hard to believe that it can, in fact work. I want those people in my life, and if they can't be by meeting them, then we have to do the net-way, end of story.
All of this also means that I AM capable of meeting new people and of making friends. It means that when the semester starts, there are going to be new people and they will be as scared, as lost, as confused as we were, and they will be looking for friends just like we did. Short: I can meet other people. I can be lucky a second time, if I just give myself the chance to, and try. Meeting new people here doesn't mean I'll forget about the other ones, and NO ONE is EVER going to take away those last now almost four months.
Life is what you make it, and this is our turn.
Secondly, I need to find some balance about my insecurity issues. I cannot sit down and hate myself. I'm 23, I finally have to start to take care of myself instead of cutting down every sign of potential there could possibly be. So I'm crappy with people? Look above, I am apparently not.
My language skills aren't the way I want them to be? Well, then I either have to practise a little more (namely precisely how I started off in the first place), or I have to accept what I was told in Kouvola on the weekend, being that when learning a language, there will be one point at which one just feels stuck and nothing new comes up. But let's face it -when have I truly learned something new that helped me with my English? ~ Uuhm ... in school.
In other words, if I feel stuck on my nowadays level because I've done the courses and learned the grammar, then now it's just the best moment to work on that, let it sink in and make it better. Which is why HS.fi is now going to be my new front page.
I feel I'm not doing enough for uni? -Well, suck this. There needs to be some way, so once again, the task is to find it. After all we know that the journey is the destination.
I don't feel good about myself? - Well, then get up that goddamn 45mins earlier, take a shower (even if it's rushed), get your eyes in so you don't have to wear the hated glasses, do some make up if you feel like it, and get that goddamn dress from H&M today, a cardigan, and dress just the way you want to. If you don't feel like boring-casual, dress up, and if you do, then go there. It works when going out, right, so it should also work in the week.
Thirdly, the girlfriend matter. I am a horrible person. I'm bitchy, all it takes is 1-2-3 to send me down the deep end, I ask for a HELL lot of attention and then don't can't deal with it, and I won't even mention the rest. #1, this is long-distance, which means I have to deal with "the rest". #2 I can call myself incredibly lucky to be with somebody who accepts and loves me the way I am, so: show some respect and learn to shut the fuck up. Nevertheless, borders are borders, and those are going to be worked on, period.
and so on.
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