postscriptum

Irina,
sometimes just saying your name makes you real again. I miss you, even though we haven't talked to each other for years. I miss reading your writings even though they sometimes were so shocking and depressive. I miss your stories about Emily&Miles. About Fee&Vendi - about your Held. About Angel. I miss your fairies. Mars. Your beautiful patriot feelings for your home. Your "Lebenswert". Violet. The pictures of your beautiful place. Your butterflies. How you never forgot to call me Englischgenie, even though it's been such a long time.

I've always believed in you. I've always thought that there must be more. For you. More life. More love. More light. I always believed your story to have a happy ending.
To read that you're still alive in October was a miracle come true. I hadn't truly believed that you lost ... and yet it was my biggest fear all summer. I even told my girlfriend. Irina, I never told your story to anyone, out of respect, but I had to tell her because after I read what had happened to you - after Held's entries to your blog - I was so scared. So scared for you. And I prayed so much that you wouldn't lose your own war.
I wonder where you are now. What you are doing ... how you feel. Whether you are still fighting. I wished. I wished you were. You never believed yourself to be strong and you never seemed to want to be called strong, but to me, you always were. The strongest woman I ever knew.

I read old postings today - back in the forum where we met. Where you accompanied me, where we wrote the most meaningful messages. I cannot help to think we've lost each other because my life and interests changed so rapidly in 2005. But then I know that it's only time that changed. - Changed us.

As always, I wish you all the best.
A lot of strength.
You deserve to live, Irina. You deserve to win this war.